We are finally managing to become a family of peace again. We hope to move house in a few weeks and that will be lovely. The house will work much better for us and I hope the children will find time and space to do homework and hobbies.

I hope to find the space to begin writing and creating as my own mind seems to have wound up. Over the last few years my focus has been so much on helping and supporting Asher that I had to put myself second. Before he died we had a really good crying session together as we grieved over how much time we had lost just being ourselves.

I think that is one of the saddest things about longterm illness, the loss of yourself. So much time is devoted to trying to keep life peaceful and normal that extra activities and fun have to be laid aside as energy is so limited.

A time and a season.

Whirpool of Life.
I feel I have been launched into the ocean. My three children are with me, all in different age groups; a two year old - incredibly independent, an eleven year old - amazing academic and hard worker, and finally my only son aged thirteen who struggles to excel in anything except being wonderfully delightful and evoking histerical images of Kev and Perry as he wears his cap and argues with everything I say!

My husband died in May 2011 after fighting Head and Neck Cancer for five years. After many operations and treatment he was finally told at the end of January 2011 that he had perhaps six months to live and that death would be very painful. The surgeon was obviously devestated as were we. It was a very hard end to a very productive and wonderful life. And so the ocean I have been launched into - single parenting.

Last night as I lay in bed with my youngest still clinging to me I felt that actually I have found myself in a whirlpool struggling to tread water. Where is God in all this? Well, I reflect, I do indeed trust that God will ensure that the whirlpool will release me onto dry land, somewhere, I can only hope it is the Caribean or some such wonderful landing! So then surely I do not need to be treading water. What I need to do is rest in the whirlpool of life.

There does not seem to be anything that will make the rush and change of life slow down, nothing that will help the children settle and find peace except perhaps if I lead the way and hold onto the knowledge I have that in everything God is with me and Christ has been here in the pressure and pain of life. What an amazing knowledge that my God is not an idol, an empty symbol or system but a God who has entered our earth and opened the way for us -

And so I pray perhaps with many thousands of single parents and married parents whose lives are way off from the stable lands of shore- open my eyes lord, and help me to see, open my ears Lord, help me to hear, open my heart Lord, help me to love.

Last month Ashers dad told him about hezikiah who in Isaiah 38 was told he had 15 more years after first being given a proclamation of death.

Asher said 'lets hold on to that'.

Then on friday my stepfather read 2 Kings 20 which is the same story. Later he went to church and the Big Bible was open at Isaiah 38 which he had not known of. he was suprised to see the same story and wanted to check it when he got home but forgot which chapters it was. he opened the Bible and Isaiah 38 fell open.

He prayed about this and really felt God was speaking to us through these verses and so he phoned us. I was glad to be able to tell him ashers dad had also held onto these verses.

my stepfather felt it was in the asking and the way Hezikiah had asked for healing. I did not feel this was true but that the verses were for Asher I hoped and wondered in what way.

Then came another call. My mum had been praying also and they felt it was important to follow up on the action that Isaiah had given Hezekiah to do. He was told to wear a garland of figs. well we have not made a garland of figs but they came over and we prayed and opened a bottle of 'syrup of figs'. Mum and Chris thought this was a symbolic gesture But I felt often the Bible tells us of the things people did that were medical treatments and so we put the syrup on a tissue and put it directly on the newest tumor that we can see which has been growing really steadily over the last week or two.

So far since last night I can say I think it really has worked. It is less red and less swollen. i looked online and found that figs are roasted, blended and then placed on blisters and tumors in many counties. How amazing. It is also used as a mouth wash for alcers. I should not be amazed but I am excited.

it struck me today when reading the thanksgiving prayer that Jesus died to draw the whole world to himself. In the pryaer we are called to 'walk in the way of the cross and share its weight'. I was really impressed that as we walk we are declare the love God has for the world, but we are also called to walk in the way of the cross and as Jesus died on the cross we are to be prepared to sacrifice for others -perhaps unto death - so that they may be directed and united to God.



Blessed are you, Lord God of our salvation,
to you be praise and glory for ever.
As a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief
your only Son was lifted up
that he might draw the whole world to himself.
May we walk this day in the way of the cross
and always be ready to share its weight,
declaring your love for all the world.
Blessed be God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
AllBlessed be God for ever.

oh dear by accident I sent a message from my facebook and know i will get reprucussions from it!!!!!!!

The last post explained the message which is this:

Drshakeel Isaac
Helliw Rosanna How r u hows Asher please read Psalms 91/14 to 16. Job 5/26.(u shall come to the Grave at a full age) psalms 102/24. Bible says u will see the children of the children Rosanna all these Promises and Blessing for us and our children don't sit and wait please come out of this and stand against this disease rebuke it gather all the family and u will see the miracle the blood of Jesus can heel all the cancer we all are praying be a faithful god bless u...






and unfortunately or fortunately i replied::

who says i am sititng and waiting? why are you asking me to 'please come out of this'? When jesus says to people 'your faith has healed you' he is saying 'it is who and what you have faith in that has healed you, not the amount.. the amount and power is Gods not ours and specifically it is Jesus which is why Jesus said this in the Scripture at the times when he did. Peace to you and I hope you can read the whole books and chapters you quote with peace and joy in God as a whole. You reduce Jesus to be a magicians trick. Do not be fooled by false teaching. this maybe hurtful to you but I know Asher and I stand firm in God and his protection. we do not prefur riches to poverty, honour to dishonour, health to sickness... In all things we give glory to God or saviour and protector. If you wish to know how we are then you would have asked - How are you? Are you standing in faith and rejoicing in our Lord? how is God working in your lives? As you did not I cannot tell you. and you seem to have judged us ignorant. I wonder who you have been talking to to think such things and send such a message?

I have had this message on my face book from one of ashers relatives, i think in pakistan. it comes because his aunt refuses to believe he is sick and i think his family think (i am actually pretty sure) i am to blame for him having cancer. this is really sad but true.... my answer is a bit long i think and i will send it after some time to make sure it is right and strong enough. what do you think?

they write::::
How r u hows Asher please read Psalms 91/14 to 16. Job 5/26.(u shall come to the Grave at a full age) psalms 102/24. Bible says u will see the children of the children Rosanna all these Promises and Blessing for us and our children don't sit and wait please come out of this and stand against this disease rebuke it gather all the family and u will see the miracle the blood of Jesus can heel all the cancer we all are praying be a faithful god bless u...


excuse me. it does not sound as if you are really concerned about how asher or I am. it sounds more like you are concerned that your theology is correct and should be 'administered'. You have chosen verses and ignored those that say rest and trust in the lord. you have chosen verses that try to place the healing power of the lord on our power and faith. what rubbish.

The last verse psalm 102:24 is the only verse that that i can see you have not taken out of character of their original meaning. And even in Psalm 102 he is begging God not declaring and rebuking. This is very sick attitude. We have a God who loves, cherishes and adores us just like we do our own children. He does not abandon or declare us unfaithful and therefore unworthy. Asher Loves God with his whole being and with his whole life. His work place see how faithful and honest he is, how hard working and loyal he is even in the worst days of his sickness. This is a massive testimony to God in our lives. I worship God with every part of my body and serve him day and night in love and humility. We worship God in sickness and in health and to us we do not prefur riches to poverty, honour to dishonour, health to sickness... in all we know God and his eternal love. We can hold onto whole chapters and books of the Bible without having to highlight just one to make us feel better. I love psalm 91:6 ust as much as 91:14. I love Job as a whole book and this is our attitude as a whole. Our god is faithful and worthy of respect no matter what our situation. I am not going to argue about these matters with people at all. they are between you and God and if you are teaching this to people I am sad for their inner strength, joy, peace and understanding of God.

another line might be:
I think what you are saying in your message is that perhaps your faith with that of all those who are praying plus our own as a family is not enough to heal Asher - is that what you are saying? Or are you saying that Gods power is only as strong as us humans? when the Jesus talks about our faith healing us it is who and what we have faith in not our power or amount. thankfully it is God who forgives and God who has healed and does heal. I will rest in his forgiveness and love and healing not that of humans. But you are welcome to quote scripture if you can do so without pulling verses out of context. Psalm 91:6 is as beautiful as 14-16

or another:
i am fine and asher is as well as can be expected. i don't know if you know of anyone else who has died young or who has died of cancer? Are you using this idea of our faith v's God's power after speaking to others or is this just you deciding that I am just lying in wait for asher to die??

I have been thinking that i should really reflect on this last few months. it has been incredible to have so much support and to be able to sit here, go the BAP, reflects the support given by friends and family. I am so indebted and humbled.

Maybe we have entered into a new stage of Ashers illness, though I really hope not.
Asher fell during the night banging his jaw as he went down. He is so determined that my speed to get out of the bed and help him as we usually do failed as he lost control of his legs and fell.

I was told he would get to this stage but I had thought it would be slower than this. But his pain level is so high that I think his body is using all energy to deal with that.

His syringe drive has gone up to 40 now of morphine and he is having oral when he needs it. we have been asked to keep it regular to get things under control and then we can reduce once we have the pain level sorted.

My worry is that it has taken so long to get to this stage of controlling the pain it is too late for him. His body has already given up. I take heart though as I know he is a very strong and determined person so if we can cover the pain he is likely to pull through.

I have made a few decisions though. One being that I think we will stay in this rental house for another year so that we can sort things out slowly and pray about what God wants us to do. I think the kids will go to a boarding school in bath which means i will go over and spend time with them and might get a caravan so that we can spend time each weekend visiting different places if they would like to.

Today i was reading from ezekiel. it was mid may and the word of the Lord came to me... so lovely even the picture of mid may! then the picture develops of a description of egypt as a tall tree with roots deep into the moist earth. thick branches providing forest shade. I had been praying just before reading and my plea to God was that now I would be able to grow as myself and be fed for me. That now I know the BAP is over and I am not preparing for that I would be able to grow and become strong in His Word and wisdom and strength. So this picture is very apt and I am going to hold onto it. Thanks Be To God.

Back from the BAP and all but ashers dad have gone home.

Asher is still really unwell. He has another infection in the jaw so the pain increases as the tumers are put under pressure from the infection. he is also suffering from inflamation of the muscles around the ribs which is causing him real flinching pain. I hope today to begin getting him into a bit more of a routine and doing things that are fun.

The BAP went terribly. The one interview I had to pass felt that we were at a roundabout and as the instructer asked me to go right though I knew we had to turn left to go round the roundabout... but following the instructers directions I duley turned for him to say now this is not right and you have failed.

Never mind I am now praying about how to get through this next two years and then reapply, perhaps next year if I am able.

This evening I have had the message of Mary and Martha really home in on me. I realised HOW MUCH I really thive on organisation and things being clean and tidy. Unfortunately my house has not had me organise or clean it for at least a month. I do thank God for a girl who has come to stay with us who has been graceous to clean and wash for us and this has enabled me to keep my sanity. She has even stood in as emergency baby sitter on days I had to be with Asher in the hospital.

This evening I realised how Mary and Martha must have felt. Asher is my guest. My VIP. I must clean and organise for him. I must prepare his medication, food, place of sitting, laying, his guests, his trips to the hospital, his pain and his emotions.

I also have to allow him the space to experience what he is going through and try to do things for himself.

It is busy. I can well imagine i would get MAD if my sister sat his feet just spending time with him.

As you can guess I am actually not getting to spend much quality time with Asher and it is fustrating. But it does give me a clue as to how real this story can be for us.

I understand many may think i am mad moving forward in the process to ordination at this time but last night I began a thought that concluded this morning and so I thought i would share it and see what others think.

Throughout life we gather information and experiences which we use to form who we are. We are like seives collecting useful info and allowing other things to pass through. i would say however that we do not really lay aside much of the seived information or experiences rather they are gathered in a jug or pot and put aside perhaps used at a later date or seived through again.

If this image works then another image can be explored. When you want to seive something and leave it to seive for a while you find a jug or pot on which to balance the seive so that it can rest securely and do its job.

I recognise that I am like a seive but I have been not been balancing well enough to seive through all the information that has been passed to me. I feel that the last couple of years have found me the right pot to balance on as I have moved through the process of ordination. I am really excited about the next step which I hope will be training for ordination. I feel it will be a secure pot on which i can balance and find space to receive and sort.

I am actually excited because I feel ready to expose myself, explore myself, embrace myself. Ofcouse this has already begun but I know that there is so much more and I hope that I will be able to understand others and accept others more as I know myself and understand myself more.

I feel that through this I will be able to listen to others and find Christ. I am really excited by this prospect. hope it makes sense!

Another part of this picture is the pot. There are many sides to my pot but all have moulded themselves amazingly and for me incredibly. I say incredibly because friends and family have gathered around me to form part of the pot and this is very humbling.

the support is incredible and really I can only thank everyone and work hard to not let people down.

busy, busy, busy. tired, tired, tired.

Poor Asher seemed so close to death yesturday it was sad but today he is feeling much better. the problem was that I had forgotten to change his morphine patch. so annoying. as soon as we had put a new one on he perked up.

pain is an amazing thing. If your body is in too much pain it tends to shut down. Amazing to see.

today we went to the pain consultant and she really helped us. A simple tens machine has given him alot of relief. I pray he manages to adapt well to the change in drug measurements also.

We are waiting for a consultant who can give him an injection which will really put a stop to the pain in the nerves.

Over the last week something has begun to really niggle me about prayer and praying for people.

I have seen Asher praying with various people on the phone and have heard people talk to us about prayer. But as I mentioned something is niggling me. Unfortunately I am realising that though some people are trying to be helpful their prayers, because of their theology I suppose, leave those prayed for feeling guilty, weak, vulnerable and worse of all distant from God. Unfortunately it is usually at a time when God is most sought and needed most.

God meets us in our times of need and some people seem to have an idea that God inflicts people and then abandons them.

I am glad that Asher and I both Know God is with us and can stand emotionally and firmly distant from those who pray so openly with such negativity.

I should explain a little more what I mean.

Many people are praying for us at the moment and Asher and I know that these are prayers of people who seriously care and love us. Who in the past have welcomed us with opened arms into their communities or families or lives. We thank them all so much and hope that they will some day know how much their prayers sustain us and enable us to know God at this time to so fundamentally.

However a few have the idea that cancer is a curse caused by sin. That to die is an awful thing and by faith, hope, trust it can be taken away by a miricle. By an act of Jesus granting longevity of life on earth because we found the secret cause which caused the cancer to exist. If I did not trust and believe in what Christ did for us on the cross I could come up with many evil and twisted reasons why my dearest has cancer. But I put those unfathomable thougthts below me because I know Christ is our Lord, friend, healer, saviour and nothing evil can cause our downfall in this life or the next.

There are four men at the cross that draw my attention.
1. the man who carried the cross for Christ as Jesus walked to his death
2. the man who blamed and mocked
3. the man who believed and looked forward to being with God
4. the man who took on the commission be Christ in the world.

And then more than a man CHRIST rather than act to glorify himself he turned peoples focus to God.

When we pray perhaps we can think of these people at the cross and find ways to be similar (or not as it is with man who mocked and blamed). We can build up those who face desperate points in their lives and be the man who helps to carry the burden and lighten the load, the man who believes and searches for God in all things and the man who takes God commission seriously and Christ whose desire was for us to see God as Christ did for us.

today i began reading through a book which asks the reader to consider and write with reflection. it is a great book, which i have tried to read often but have been unable to focus as i read. now i am reading it with new vigor and interest. i am learning so much and hearing what he is saying in a really amazing way.

An interesting point that i had to consider was the story of the samaritan woman who drew water from the well for Jesus. The writer made the point that the woman did not consider her own desires and wants but rather what the Lord needed. when he spoke to her her bucket was empty and instead of taking water back to the village she took living water back to the village.

Her role was priestly for a while.
considering this story via the book was really good.

today I am beginning to prepare for the BAP.
I have found a really helpful leaflet which is a PDF
I typed into google: what can I do to prepare for Bishops Advisory Panel and it was the first link.

I am just working through it.

One sections reminds of the Written reflection I had to do about Mission and evangelism:

In helping you to decide upon your approach, it would be useful for you to be aware of the five marks of mission ‘To proclaim the Good News of the Kingdom; to teach, baptise and nurture new believers; to respond to human need by loving service; to seek to transform unjust structures of society; to strive to safeguard the integrity of creation, and sustain and renew the earth.’ (Anglican Consultative Council, Five Marks of Mission, 1988)

Monday has been so busy I am just zonked on the sofa. it is about 10.30 and a lady has just dropped a phone off and icecream for Scheri. I am sooooo tired.

I am so grateful for Sophia who is staying with us. she is doing all the mundane jobs and helping so much. She is ok this week, not feeling low. I am relieved - thank God for his reassurance that he is in control.

I did cancel my appointment and they were very understanding. The doctors went well he has new med and I have upped the dose at night so he can sleep better which seems to have worked.

Everyone is at home today. AJ has now got what Scheri has and Scheri is seriously unwell. the med it not working. all off to doctors today!

other than that a quiet day cleaning I hope. Asher sister is coming which will please Meema as she is bringing her daughter.

I feel a spell of being able to do something for my BAP coming on!!! Oh I hope.

rosanna

oh what a night. Yesturday Asher was in so much pain, as predicted! so all day was spent trying to compat the pain. Then i went to bed and hoped for a good night but Meemas has been awake needed food. she woke at 2.30 having done a wee for the first time ever in bed and then she was hungry so i had to make her toast. eventually she slept but in our bed and i had to curl up a the bottom of the bed.

tired, but got up to take ashers family to the coach station for 8.15 am. then i went to church with the kids (-scheri) and home for lunch. Thankfully friends realised they could go and do the medicine run for me and so after ordering the medicine they went and got it and that saved me an hour's running around. I was so relieved I began to tidy our room which has not been touched for weeks and has a ton of clothes, papers etc.

Then the lady who is looking after scheri came and suggested she took meema and aj so I slept for an hour and a half maybe more and felt so much better.

I had a lovely time with scheri tonight, she is feeling slightly better and i will bring her home tomorrow.
I am just now waiting for asher to go to bed. he slept all day so will be up most of the night but i dare not leave him. so glad for the sleep this afternoon!

Asher has booked a dr's app at the same time as I have an interview with Ridley. I think i have to cancel this so i can take asher and be with him as it is important we get the pain sorted.
ah well. tired and going to nap on the sofa while I wait for asher!

Saturday
I tried to go to bed early as Ashers sister is with him in the lounge i felt I could actually get some sleep. My only worry was he does not give himself medicine and so I run the risk of a moody in pain husband. I just hope he gave himself med.

I did get some sleep though. Unfortunately not enough as I am so tired one night will not be enough to catch up.

When I had chatted to my Spiritual Director we had discussed spending some time alone so I can reflect. I do not think today will be that day as I have ashers family over but maybe I will be able to get 5 or 10 mins.

my baby Scheri is still at my friends. i miss her but i know she is in the best place as i am so busy i doubt i will get time to cook or care for her.

........................

i discovered something very odd today. I did find time to be alone, but I felt so bad that I feel tired and have not done as much as I feel I should i spent the time tidying up so that ashers family would know ihad not just sat on my bum. i really cannot think like this. i need to deal with it.

friday I spent the day rushing here and there so that Asher and I could attend a pain managament appointment which did not happen as I had not written down the name who we were seeing and I had thought it was a course. So we went on a hunt to find the course which was not on and then decided to go for coffee as Asher was shaking so much. We bought some cup a soups for him to enjoy and then got home in time for me to go to my spiritual director.

I was shattered but had a good time with her. we discussed that I should journal more and so i am going to try. i find it hard to sit and write which is why i blog so perhaps a mix of both.

i rushed home to check on everyone before going out again to pick up my sister in law from the coach station. I then checked on my daughter who had been taken to the doctor while i was at the spiritual director who I have been told has an infectious tonsilitus so is best staying at my friends.

So a busy weekend ahead

Asher is feeling weak. His shoulder is hurting because the cancer is resting on the nerve junction and his oramorph is not really helping much. He is tired very very tired and looks ill.

I am finding it hard to find time to write and dare I admit it even think at the moment. So much is happening. we have a girl who has come to stay with us and it is such a help but also it is a strain and so I have realised that the warnings people give me that I do too much need to be heeded. I have always recognised that they are right in warning I do too much and do not say no, but then i have also recognised that what they are referring to is not actually a problem for me. Now i am having to really find time for me and not feel quilty about it. I am having to say NO and allow myself time to do things I know need to be done. I am having to manage my time in a way that allows for me to do things I have to get done for myself.
It is actually really hard.
I am off to see my spiritual director this friday, maybe i need a double session!
Oswald Chambers study today and is erily appropriate!

In life we face many twists and turns. Times when we are orientated and others when we are disorientated and then there is new orientation. This idea comes from a book I am working through about the Psalm by Walter Brueggemann.

In Christs life we see this also with the obvious finalee of Christs death.

As I reflect on Asher's life I see that his new orientation is not upon us. He is still disorientatated though in reality he continues to be orientated toward God he is disorientated from work and the focus of his life which he has been in control of.

Today a friend popped round who is a palliative care senior nurse and she commented that when someone has a terminal illness they have to learn to listen to their body which until now they have been incontrol of. Until now they have known what their body can do but now they have to begin listening a new.

So listening a new with the idea of orientation is something I feel can be a very helpful thought for those in the final stages of life.

thinking about grief is very interesting. I thought, sad as it may be, i should note the most important aspects down as we move though these months.

1. Asher and I face the future with a bated breath of hope looking to Christ for healing, peace and satisfation.

Some may say that this is not having 'faith' or perhaps that we should 'claim healing' or 'refute the cancer'.

My thought on this is that a person has faith because God gives it. We lovingly and humbly accept all gifts. A person enters all stages of life both very sad and good and very good with antrepidation because we all know that life is fragile. Our faith is not only in God; it is also in that he will be with us in all situations. No matter if we make a wrong step, no matter if we understood wrong. God is God. I hate to put it so bluntly but we are puny little weeds do we really think that our minute faith will seriously effect the way God loves us? I believe he loves us no matter how small our faith, no matter how small our step, no matter how small our action.

I really believe that Jesus died once for all. He came to show us that God is not a God who demands ritual or wild ceremony or magical religious piousness. God is God. We are his people.

So my thought in short. in our time of deep grief and uncertainty and perhaps even guilt God looks past all that to the person he knows in the spirit - in the soul.

Then it is up to us as friends of people going through greif to be there with people. Keep them normal. talk, chat, be silent, hug, wash up, do the ironing, mow the lawn, support by going to events which the person has to attend.
Then it can be up to God to speak to the soul.
then it can be up the person to work through the grief.

Last night Meema had a soaring temperature. She was very unhappy. Thankfully she slept through the night so the cold I have has not gotten any worse, hurrah!

I have to fill in my application form for the Bishops conference. It is amazing how different it is doing it now compared to a year ago and especially even two years ago. It is like I am a totally different person. Where as last year I would have felt 'fake' writing things about myself I now am confident about things and am writing things in a much better and enthusiastic way.

I think this really shows me that time matters. If we are called for ministry but are not quite ready yet it is best to wait. I have spent so many years preparing and waiting and trying to hear when God says 'go' or 'wait' and now I can reflect and see how the meandering path I have been on while exploring the call of ordination has been one of great learning and development.

It is funny. I used to feel like a child in an adults body (I hope others can identify with that!) well now I feel like an adult. I am about to hit 40 and I feel mature. I always prayed that I would by this time! It is a very biblical age to be mature as people are referred to as young when they are under 40.

I am really looking forward to this conference now. God Be With Me.

I went to see the Bishop today. It was a good chat and I realised alot about myself that I had not until then. I had not realised how determined I am. I had not realised how focused I can be and How sure I am that God has called me to ordination.

My trust in God is so solid that I actually suprised myself today.

Though it was uplifting I now reflect and my insecurity arises. I realise that perhaps he felt if he said no then it would send me off a blithering wreck since two bad news in one week is not really not good.

Oh gosh... perhaps I will write and tell him he can change his mind and tell me the truth now.

Anyway,,, he said he will sponser me and that the panel may say 'are you mad to be here' or they may say 'yes but have years pause'.

either way I am pleased he has felt a sense of vocation and not been disturbed by 'me in person'!

Now I am deciding to put aside books on vocation. I am simply going to pray and use the lectionary and good ol' david heywood. the bible in a year with my mums church is by the wayside already this year!!!

Today I turn to Oswold before I sleep and as I read this I find myself realising that Asher is in the last few months of life and yet we face them in truth, love and power - why? because of God. Yes but also because of the life and resurrection of Jesus. Our purpose is always one with God. We love and Praise God we love each other and live the life given.

I hope others can face their funeral with such peace.

DO YOU WALK IN WHITE?
"Buried with Him . . . that . . . even so we also should walk in newness of life." Romans 6:4
No one enters into the experience of entire sanctification without going through a "white funeral" - the burial of the old life. If there has never been this crisis of death, sanctification is nothing more than a vision. There must be a "white funeral," - a death that has only one resurrection - a resurrection into the life of Jesus Christ. Noting can upset such a life, it is one with God for one purpose, to be a witness to Him.
Have you come to your last days really? You have come to them often in sentiment, but have you come to them really? You cannot go to your funeral in excitement, or die in excitement. Death means you stop being. Do you agree with God that you stop being the striving, earnest kind of Christian you have been? We skirt the cemetery and all the time refuse to go to death. It is not striving to go to death, it is dying - "baptized into His death."
Have you had your "white funeral," or are you sacredly playing the fool with your soul? Is there a place in your life marked as the last day, a place to which the memory goes back with a chastened and extraordinarily grateful remembrance - "Yes, it was then, at that 'white funeral,' that I made an agreement with God."
"This is the will of God, even your sanctification." When you realize what the will of God is, you will enter into sanctification as naturally as can be. Are you willing to go through that "white funeral" now? Do you agree with Him that this is your last day on earth? The moment of agreement depends upon you.

Today I have been reflecting on the churches here in UK. I have been wondering what words each would feel they could use to describe themselves as this time very generally.

For example the church of england may well be described as searching to be forming a foundation of unity globally.

However I do not think that this would be what the man on the street would say. So I have been thinking more locally and perhaps that feel is a general national thing too.

So for the Baptist I wrote : trying to enthuse and excite keeping Scripture and Spirit Central.

For the church of england I wrote: reflecting Scripture and Logic. Which I realised is not far different from the three fold statement used to describe the church which I cant remember now who wrote it. But it is Tradition, Scripture and Logic.

Life is so precious.
We are here for but a fleating moment.
Now is a moment to live, laugh, love, reflect
If this is your last moment how would you feel?

Are our moments with each other as beautiful as they ought to be?
Are our memories as they could be?
Are they as you would like them to be?

lamentations is such a quirky little book. i happened upon it last night and it fitted my mood so wholly it was as though God was saying "yes lis can be poohy but hope- there is always a ray of hope and that is because God is in control and His mercy and love are forever.

the writter says . ALL hope is lost but then says ' there is just a ray because I know God.

No matter what God wants us to turn to Him and if we think suffering is punishment then take it and turn with an open heart to learn. if we think suffering is just worldly then life the life your able and turn to God to accomlish more then you could.

The verse which stuck out for me was Lamentations 3:21

There is one ray of hope -his compassion lasts forever.

Today is the day that I have to tidy.

when i get back from church it will be glad rags on and starting with my bedroom the mess is out and the minimalist is is (as minimal as the mahmoods could get anyway!)

We are going to move Meema into our room so we have a room for a girl to come and stay with us. She is an orphan who needs a family while she sorts herself out and she seems happy to help me clean and cook and look after Meema while i go out and help in the church a bit more. at least i will be able to leave meema while i go out to brownies, drop kids at clubs and go to bible study. all things that she usually has to come along too and this all disturbs any routine we might have.

i have been trying to relax and gain strength for this day for about three days now and so with this morning being the last few hours of relaxing I am off for an eton mess breakfast (very good for my diet!) and a shower. I do not think the kids will come to church as we did not get back from London last night until 12.00 and they were all wide awake on the way home munching on food!

I am aiming to read the Bible in a year following my mums church. I am also going to finish the davidheywood study which i am really enjoying. Then my morning prayer is becoming more and more steady which is lovely since learning to rest and allow time and space to have a place in my prayer life.

HAPPY NEW YEAR and I pray for my one and only that this year will bring healing and joy.