Saturday, July 31, 2010

we are having a lovely weeks break at Ashers sisters house in liverpool. It has been suprisingly relaxed. Perhaps because I am absolutely exhausted or an answer to prayers we have not spent the whole time cleaning and tidying as usual. I have found myself just playing with the children and enjoying them enjoying each other. a good time had by all.

amidst this peace I have actually been able to spend time thinking and what a feeling of freedom that is. I almost do not know how to begin thinking and retaining my thoughts. But they are there!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

The depth of God is so incredible.

Confidence is one issue that has come up in this during this process. I am confident and outgoing but underneith I have real issues that I am going to upset others, that i am going to ruffle feathers, that am going to disturb others in someway. I know this is because Ihave tried to be myself and found that others are unable to cope and so Ihave retracted and am always careful around people.

I put others first and hide myself. In doing that I have lost 'understanding and knowing' myself.

I have been so relieved that I feel more secure about myself and this has led in turn to me considering where God is at work in me at the moment. I am so often busy looking at where God is present in others or in the community that I never think of myself in that equation.

This is why I say God is so incredibly deep. There are different levels in that depth and I feel I have been splashing about onthe top and as I had been a deep sea diver it was fustrating that I felt my tools did not allow me to go deeper into the water.

I now feel that rather than equipment I am learning a new style of swimming in the deep sea. I feel I am learning 'free range' swimming. I don't know what you would call it in technical terms but that is the best explanation i can give.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

todays readings

Yesturday's meeting with the DDO was very relaxed. I think I have taken peoples advise on board and just taken a back seat in this process. I must seek the Lord with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength not just His will.

One comment that the DDO and I discussed from my list of 'what a Priest is and is not' was one sentence that 'A Priest is not alone in the inner sanctuary'.

I said in explaining this and realised as I explained it that in Jesus Death the curtain was torn and the people were enabled into the inner place which had been used only once a year. This is perhaps one those mysteries that we discuss very little but is actually essential to our understanding and faith.

Jesus death enabled this place to be accessible. This place being the place were God can meet us.

So my thought is that priest is NOT alone in this inner sanctuary but is there with the people and should experience this mystery and be enabling and drawing others into this sanctuary.

The curtain is torn down and the Priestly mission of Christ is enabled forever.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Seeing the DDO today.

I have my list of what a vicar is and is not. I have a more relaxed attitude to this process and a recognition that I just have to sit through it and pray in the way Jesus leads me.

It is so important that each of us get to spend time reflecting, thinking, praying and reading so that we can grow and know.

I find it hard to begin even to just sit. I am feeling the effects. My mind is so scatty and my body aches.

Todays Readings
The passage from Samuel really struck me today because Ihad just been reading about the leadership of a priest. In this passage we see Samuel give the instruction from God. Saul not obeying God and take on the role of leadership, then the Priest comes forward with the message and warning from God.

Today we go away on holiday which is not likely to be relaxing but I lift up my arms and bend my knees that God prepares the way for us. Amen

Monday, July 26, 2010

todays readings

This psalm is very deep and demands a bit of research. Who are the gods, to whom is the address spoken to? how does this relate to our spiritual understanding of heaven and the world we live in.

I am not going to write my thoughts or findings as this is perhaps something that everyone should do for themselves.

It is interestingly put with Matt and Jer passages that work really well to make us consider these things more.

You could also read John 10 and Ephesians 6 with this psalm.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Todays readings

Blessed are the poor, Susan Peterson

'I see my need and humbly seek Your face.
Show me Your mercy; all my cares erase.'

I find these words strange in todays psalm 126
'Those who sow in tears will reap in joy.'

They remind me of Jesus teaching in Matt 5

3"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
'You will find yourself, as celebrant at the Eucharist privileged with a unique intensity to 'be with god with the people in your heart'. p16 , Michael Ramsey, The Christian Priest Today'.

for the last year I have found prayer a very different affair. I have struggled and if i am n=honest I have not prayed every day, i have not meditated as I washed up, I have not interceded for the those I know and who are on my heart. It has been a very lonely prayer time, one of me calling out to God and daring to speak to Jesus but with very little closeness.

When I read the above quote I realised that my situation has changed so much that I no longer am in a position where I am in the heart of the community with the needs and praises of people around me. I know very well that there are those who need prayer but somehow I am on the outside. I feel I am one of the congregation rather than a member of the community.

I lack seriously in discipline and that is what has been revealed by this experience. Rule of life is one aspect that a friend has been commenting on in her blog and so I am drawn to this again. How can i find out about, how can i maintain, how can i become a person with and of a Rule of Life?

Saturday, July 24, 2010


So often I find that I have so many things on my mind that I struggle to complete things. I have found a set of tools which help to focus and complete.

An just as I write this a note that the CRB forms are incomplete comes through which is rediculous as we spent hours making sure all the info was there. Probably the Diocese want more info there form was harder to do that the CRB.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I sat this morning saying to my son that I need time today to pray and seek God in the matter of my being a Vicar. I just am not sure it is what God wants me to do and I need to seek Him in this before I meet with my DDO on Tuesday and let her know that I am putting this whole thing on hold.

My son sat shaking his head with a screwed up face and said 'yep you should be' I said 'No I need to seek God seriously, I really don't think I should be going forward to be a vicar.' to which he repeated himself so I asked 'why do you say that?' his reply made me laugh so much.

'Your the only person who does not think you should be, your the only person'.

Boy that puts a drain unblocker in my system!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I have had such a hard time recently and I feel so stupid for getting upset, i feel selfish for not being able to cope, i feel like a failure for not doing enough.

If i am not able to keep 'house' now how on earth can i go on and do house, baby, family, study and work placements next year if I go through for training?

I give up and then sense a small determination within that just forces me to ask for Jesus' help. I am sure he gets fed up with this routine I am going through but perhaps I am battling the Mary Martha game.

Yestuday i found myself saying surely that i follow a call from God and serve Him in the community as he leads is more important than housekeeping.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

I cannot fathem why it is so hard to study. I find that my mind goes blank when I have time to read and then I have so many things I want to read and prepare I get lost in which one I am doing.

so fustrating also that the books I want to read cost so much and the libraries do not have them.