Thursday, September 16, 2010

As I drove today it dawned on me that in obeying God in seeking my calling I find that the world becomes a clearer and wider place in which I live and work. I become more fulfilled and open and blessed. When I recognise my weaknesses and say I just can't do this my world actually becomes localised, small and actually very confused.

When I obey I feel like a tree in the middle of a field that can see all the trees and fields around - space and meaning in the world.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

simplicity in obedience
An interesting devotion from Oswald Chambers really made me smile within today.

' You cannot think through spiritual confusion to make things clear; to make things clear, you must obey. ' Arguments or Obedience Sep14 2010the simplicity that is in Christ. —2 Corinthians 11:3'

This made me smile because this is certainly one of the things that forges me onwards on this path towards ordination. When I am resisting the simplicity disappears and confusion enters. It does not matter that the path towards ordination is troublesome and complex as we have moved house so often or that we have had a baby or that asher has been through Cancer and by the grace of God coming through chemo and radio and operations.

All these complexities are zero in comparison to the complexities of resisting the call I feel God is drawing me to obey. And when I give in and obey I have a reassurance that all else will work out especially with a God who is in control.

Monday, September 13, 2010

I have realised something I think is always vital and I have misplaced over the years and i hope I can correct in my thoughts rather than just covering up.

My friendships have always been prayerful friendships. in other words I have always allowed God to guide whether a friendship would blossom rather than me pushing it. Of course this is fate also but with prayer it becomes a little more than that!

Relationships then have and are things that should bring us closer to God in their being but they should also enable us to in some way be more than we are.

So that is my thought...Jonathan and David were great friends and when i think of their friendship the spark that flies for me is that Jonathan sought out the best for his friend.

Another area I am really amazed at just now is that God is finally releasing me into a dawn light after a very long time of evening. I cannot really say it has been night, an over whelming darkness that has invaded every area of my life but it has certainly been a time of evening.

A time when I have felt unable, or too tired, to pray with all my soul. Too tired to read with all my energy. Too lazy to try.

I feel now that in the dawn light I am beginning to see a new world and I am not yet sure that the mists have lifted but I can see that it is good. It is a place that suits me and I hope that this new place will be a place that God and I will be able to share and enjoy.
I pray.

I found this prayer/song which really spoke to me that so many of us may enter places of darkness or wilderness and we may feel alone but we are always calling 'prepare a way for the Lord' and that in itself is a beautiful place to be.

In the lonely places
The wilderness
Where we stand forlorn
Windswept and alone
Your voice calls out
Prepare a way for the Lord

In the dark places
The shadows
Where we hide our fears
Embrace our tears
Your voice calls out
Prepare a way for the Lord

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Sunday, September 12, 2010

Thank you to the commenter who pointed out to me that there are different aspects to friendship and so I have been thinking about this and realise that because we have moved so often (every two years) it has been easy for me to be part of peoples lives and to make a difference in peoples lives but it has been hard to get to a stage where we can enjoy each others company.

There are different aspects to relationships that I have to think through and I am sure this period of realising my weaknesses in friendships or feelings toward friendship will help me consider the whole issue more deeply.

I have had a few friends whose company I enjoy and i feel confident that they enjoy mine but it has been a few years since I have really just sat with a friend, had coffee with someone who I know enjoys my company.

But as my commenter also points out it is easy to over look blessings and as I think about each place we have lived I realise that there are people who have come and enjoyed my company

This has made me realise that actually a large part of my 'issue' is that I feel that people don't enjoy my company and that leads me to worry that I am a bit odd and maybe not very nice, likable or very 'oh my goodness poor thing'.

I can't think logically about this I think I just have to deal with the emotional side and think about reasons for my confidence being so low and then lay this before Jesus and ask that he heal and help.

I think when I go before the panel in Jan it is wiser that I have thought on a deep level about all this rather than go and hope I will hold myself together. I need to know myself through this pain and then be able to stand on the other side whoever or however that might be.. the thing is i have to allow myself the time to think and feel this through.
I am going to use a few of the things my commenter mentioned so thanks for that.

This picture depicts (to me) my friendships. Either I am the bird or at a different time I am the Ox. This makes me sad and I have to speak about relationships on Wednesday. Not sure I am up to it to be honest.

It feels to me that the I do not have friends that I am really clicked with and been able able to really just be and grow with. I pray God enables this to happen for me now as I really need it.

Friends I have had, who liked me for me and who did not use me - are people that my dearest did not like. But as he has just said he did like a few of my friends who I feel and felt did use me.

The problem has been that he has not liked my friends and so I have had to limit my friendship with them. This has had the effect that I am lonely in friendships. People I know I really would like to be friends with are usually older than me and therefore have friends their own age who they go out with for a meal or drink.

I feel really that I am too young in conversation and understanding to be friends with them. but there are not many people around who are similar to me. I do know one lass but only via internet and it is not really ever going to be a friendship as we do not live close to ever actually meet and become friends in a natural way.

as Ecclesiastes would say 'all is vanity'! or doomed doomed I tell yah!

Monday, September 06, 2010

The good old Guide Motto - Be Prepared.

Perhaps the simplest lesson I have learnt through this considering is that we should all be in a place that enables us to spend time with God. Listen to his Word, hear music that uplifts and teaches us, think and consider things through and leave them before God so that we can consider where God is in our lives, where He is guiding, prompting, aiding.

If we are able to do this then we can be prepared to do the things, be the people, share the thoughts of God with those we encounter.

My promise to myself and God is that until Advent I am going to spend 1hour a day in prayer, worship and reading.

My prayer that our Lord will help me and come alongside to enable me.


Saturday, September 04, 2010

What are you confident in?

This is a question that came up yesturday when I met my Spiritual Director. I lack confidence and this is such an issue that when I talk to people about my calling I feel terrible that I should even be daring to state these things as if they might be fact because somehow I am sure they will not believe me and will be looking and thinking of me as stupid and childish.

It is horrid to live with this but I have to keep plodding through and know that God will enable to deal with these things.

When I thought about the question I know I am confident in God but answer has risen others. So I won't begin that journey yet so I sidetrack to my logic...

I am confident in my gifts. I am good at being a pastor, I can meet with people and connect with them where they are. My life has not been a bed of flower petels more a bed of roses with the thorns attached so I am able to sympathise, empathise and encourage or build up.

I am good at seeing where God maybe and leading a way to be there. For example in a village we are now I hope that by beginning a playgroup we as a christian community maybe able to help families and network in new ways.

Interpreting scripture - which my SD said is teaching.


Then I realise that I am confident in things people have told me about myself that are true in an obvious way i.e they match my gifts so I can see that they have identified this. My parents have never encouraged me in things yet after leading a communion service they were excited that this is what I should be doing. This was it.

So I need to hold onto the things I am confident in. I would be wonderful if we could hold up a mirror before God and see our image as he see's us - well in part.