Friday, February 25, 2011

This evening I have had the message of Mary and Martha really home in on me. I realised HOW MUCH I really thive on organisation and things being clean and tidy. Unfortunately my house has not had me organise or clean it for at least a month. I do thank God for a girl who has come to stay with us who has been graceous to clean and wash for us and this has enabled me to keep my sanity. She has even stood in as emergency baby sitter on days I had to be with Asher in the hospital.

This evening I realised how Mary and Martha must have felt. Asher is my guest. My VIP. I must clean and organise for him. I must prepare his medication, food, place of sitting, laying, his guests, his trips to the hospital, his pain and his emotions.

I also have to allow him the space to experience what he is going through and try to do things for himself.

It is busy. I can well imagine i would get MAD if my sister sat his feet just spending time with him.

As you can guess I am actually not getting to spend much quality time with Asher and it is fustrating. But it does give me a clue as to how real this story can be for us.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I understand many may think i am mad moving forward in the process to ordination at this time but last night I began a thought that concluded this morning and so I thought i would share it and see what others think.

Throughout life we gather information and experiences which we use to form who we are. We are like seives collecting useful info and allowing other things to pass through. i would say however that we do not really lay aside much of the seived information or experiences rather they are gathered in a jug or pot and put aside perhaps used at a later date or seived through again.

If this image works then another image can be explored. When you want to seive something and leave it to seive for a while you find a jug or pot on which to balance the seive so that it can rest securely and do its job.

I recognise that I am like a seive but I have been not been balancing well enough to seive through all the information that has been passed to me. I feel that the last couple of years have found me the right pot to balance on as I have moved through the process of ordination. I am really excited about the next step which I hope will be training for ordination. I feel it will be a secure pot on which i can balance and find space to receive and sort.

I am actually excited because I feel ready to expose myself, explore myself, embrace myself. Ofcouse this has already begun but I know that there is so much more and I hope that I will be able to understand others and accept others more as I know myself and understand myself more.

I feel that through this I will be able to listen to others and find Christ. I am really excited by this prospect. hope it makes sense!

Another part of this picture is the pot. There are many sides to my pot but all have moulded themselves amazingly and for me incredibly. I say incredibly because friends and family have gathered around me to form part of the pot and this is very humbling.

the support is incredible and really I can only thank everyone and work hard to not let people down.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

busy, busy, busy. tired, tired, tired.

Poor Asher seemed so close to death yesturday it was sad but today he is feeling much better. the problem was that I had forgotten to change his morphine patch. so annoying. as soon as we had put a new one on he perked up.

pain is an amazing thing. If your body is in too much pain it tends to shut down. Amazing to see.

today we went to the pain consultant and she really helped us. A simple tens machine has given him alot of relief. I pray he manages to adapt well to the change in drug measurements also.

We are waiting for a consultant who can give him an injection which will really put a stop to the pain in the nerves.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Over the last week something has begun to really niggle me about prayer and praying for people.

I have seen Asher praying with various people on the phone and have heard people talk to us about prayer. But as I mentioned something is niggling me. Unfortunately I am realising that though some people are trying to be helpful their prayers, because of their theology I suppose, leave those prayed for feeling guilty, weak, vulnerable and worse of all distant from God. Unfortunately it is usually at a time when God is most sought and needed most.

God meets us in our times of need and some people seem to have an idea that God inflicts people and then abandons them.

I am glad that Asher and I both Know God is with us and can stand emotionally and firmly distant from those who pray so openly with such negativity.

I should explain a little more what I mean.

Many people are praying for us at the moment and Asher and I know that these are prayers of people who seriously care and love us. Who in the past have welcomed us with opened arms into their communities or families or lives. We thank them all so much and hope that they will some day know how much their prayers sustain us and enable us to know God at this time to so fundamentally.

However a few have the idea that cancer is a curse caused by sin. That to die is an awful thing and by faith, hope, trust it can be taken away by a miricle. By an act of Jesus granting longevity of life on earth because we found the secret cause which caused the cancer to exist. If I did not trust and believe in what Christ did for us on the cross I could come up with many evil and twisted reasons why my dearest has cancer. But I put those unfathomable thougthts below me because I know Christ is our Lord, friend, healer, saviour and nothing evil can cause our downfall in this life or the next.

There are four men at the cross that draw my attention.
1. the man who carried the cross for Christ as Jesus walked to his death
2. the man who blamed and mocked
3. the man who believed and looked forward to being with God
4. the man who took on the commission be Christ in the world.

And then more than a man CHRIST rather than act to glorify himself he turned peoples focus to God.

When we pray perhaps we can think of these people at the cross and find ways to be similar (or not as it is with man who mocked and blamed). We can build up those who face desperate points in their lives and be the man who helps to carry the burden and lighten the load, the man who believes and searches for God in all things and the man who takes God commission seriously and Christ whose desire was for us to see God as Christ did for us.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

today i began reading through a book which asks the reader to consider and write with reflection. it is a great book, which i have tried to read often but have been unable to focus as i read. now i am reading it with new vigor and interest. i am learning so much and hearing what he is saying in a really amazing way.

An interesting point that i had to consider was the story of the samaritan woman who drew water from the well for Jesus. The writer made the point that the woman did not consider her own desires and wants but rather what the Lord needed. when he spoke to her her bucket was empty and instead of taking water back to the village she took living water back to the village.

Her role was priestly for a while.
considering this story via the book was really good.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

today I am beginning to prepare for the BAP.
I have found a really helpful leaflet which is a PDF
I typed into google: what can I do to prepare for Bishops Advisory Panel and it was the first link.

I am just working through it.

One sections reminds of the Written reflection I had to do about Mission and evangelism:

In helping you to decide upon your approach, it would be useful for you to be aware of the five marks of mission ‘To proclaim the Good News of the Kingdom; to teach, baptise and nurture new believers; to respond to human need by loving service; to seek to transform unjust structures of society; to strive to safeguard the integrity of creation, and sustain and renew the earth.’ (Anglican Consultative Council, Five Marks of Mission, 1988)

Monday, February 14, 2011

Monday has been so busy I am just zonked on the sofa. it is about 10.30 and a lady has just dropped a phone off and icecream for Scheri. I am sooooo tired.
I am so grateful for Sophia who is staying with us. she is doing all the mundane jobs and helping so much. She is ok this week, not feeling low. I am relieved - thank God for his reassurance that he is in control.

I did cancel my appointment and they were very understanding. The doctors went well he has new med and I have upped the dose at night so he can sleep better which seems to have worked.

Everyone is at home today. AJ has now got what Scheri has and Scheri is seriously unwell. the med it not working. all off to doctors today!

other than that a quiet day cleaning I hope. Asher sister is coming which will please Meema as she is bringing her daughter.

I feel a spell of being able to do something for my BAP coming on!!! Oh I hope.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

oh what a night. Yesturday Asher was in so much pain, as predicted! so all day was spent trying to compat the pain. Then i went to bed and hoped for a good night but Meemas has been awake needed food. she woke at 2.30 having done a wee for the first time ever in bed and then she was hungry so i had to make her toast. eventually she slept but in our bed and i had to curl up a the bottom of the bed.

tired, but got up to take ashers family to the coach station for 8.15 am. then i went to church with the kids (-scheri) and home for lunch. Thankfully friends realised they could go and do the medicine run for me and so after ordering the medicine they went and got it and that saved me an hour's running around. I was so relieved I began to tidy our room which has not been touched for weeks and has a ton of clothes, papers etc.

Then the lady who is looking after scheri came and suggested she took meema and aj so I slept for an hour and a half maybe more and felt so much better.

I had a lovely time with scheri tonight, she is feeling slightly better and i will bring her home tomorrow.
I am just now waiting for asher to go to bed. he slept all day so will be up most of the night but i dare not leave him. so glad for the sleep this afternoon!

Asher has booked a dr's app at the same time as I have an interview with Ridley. I think i have to cancel this so i can take asher and be with him as it is important we get the pain sorted.
ah well. tired and going to nap on the sofa while I wait for asher!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I tried to go to bed early as Ashers sister is with him in the lounge i felt I could actually get some sleep. My only worry was he does not give himself medicine and so I run the risk of a moody in pain husband. I just hope he gave himself med.

I did get some sleep though. Unfortunately not enough as I am so tired one night will not be enough to catch up.

When I had chatted to my Spiritual Director we had discussed spending some time alone so I can reflect. I do not think today will be that day as I have ashers family over but maybe I will be able to get 5 or 10 mins.

my baby Scheri is still at my friends. i miss her but i know she is in the best place as i am so busy i doubt i will get time to cook or care for her.


i discovered something very odd today. I did find time to be alone, but I felt so bad that I feel tired and have not done as much as I feel I should i spent the time tidying up so that ashers family would know ihad not just sat on my bum. i really cannot think like this. i need to deal with it.

Friday, February 11, 2011

friday I spent the day rushing here and there so that Asher and I could attend a pain managament appointment which did not happen as I had not written down the name who we were seeing and I had thought it was a course. So we went on a hunt to find the course which was not on and then decided to go for coffee as Asher was shaking so much. We bought some cup a soups for him to enjoy and then got home in time for me to go to my spiritual director.

I was shattered but had a good time with her. we discussed that I should journal more and so i am going to try. i find it hard to sit and write which is why i blog so perhaps a mix of both.

i rushed home to check on everyone before going out again to pick up my sister in law from the coach station. I then checked on my daughter who had been taken to the doctor while i was at the spiritual director who I have been told has an infectious tonsilitus so is best staying at my friends.

So a busy weekend ahead

Asher is feeling weak. His shoulder is hurting because the cancer is resting on the nerve junction and his oramorph is not really helping much. He is tired very very tired and looks ill.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

I am finding it hard to find time to write and dare I admit it even think at the moment. So much is happening. we have a girl who has come to stay with us and it is such a help but also it is a strain and so I have realised that the warnings people give me that I do too much need to be heeded. I have always recognised that they are right in warning I do too much and do not say no, but then i have also recognised that what they are referring to is not actually a problem for me. Now i am having to really find time for me and not feel quilty about it. I am having to say NO and allow myself time to do things I know need to be done. I am having to manage my time in a way that allows for me to do things I have to get done for myself.
It is actually really hard.
I am off to see my spiritual director this friday, maybe i need a double session!
Oswald Chambers study today and is erily appropriate!