Friday, October 22, 2010

My Spiritual Director had asked me to reflect on the passage of mary and martha. Today I revealed to her that my reflections had led me to feel that mary and martha might reflect one person who on the one hand has control or needs control over everything and on the other has let go of the control.

We reflected that I feel the need to control things in my family life but always miss the mark. It does not seem to matter what I do things do not run the way I forge them out to. it is as if things fight against the very foundation of what I hope to achieve.

As I reflected she reminded me that I had said things felt much lighter at home as the house was clearer and getting sorted slowly. She wondered if perhaps half of this lightness might be that actually I had let go of the buttons and had relaxed about being in control.

I laughed at this point as I realised I had let go of the family and decided to just let them all do what they like and facilitate rather than try and get us to run as a family in the way I think a family should be. For example this evening we were going to have a sabbath but hubby took the shopping list and went shopping! I had hoped to just go in the morning all of us and have a coffee and cake as a family time together doing something different. but hey this is what I have let go of. But i have taken total control of the house. The lawn, the garage, the attic, next the finances and all the time the cleaning. I had tried to get the whole family to do a bit each.

So in some ways i have let go but I feel that in a sad way. But perhaps it is right. the out come is certainly that I have more time and I can now see a way of me being able to move forward and have time to study!

I need to pray it through more though as it feels so sad. But then God let his son go.

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