Thank you to the commenter who pointed out to me that there are different aspects to friendship and so I have been thinking about this and realise that because we have moved so often (every two years) it has been easy for me to be part of peoples lives and to make a difference in peoples lives but it has been hard to get to a stage where we can enjoy each others company.

There are different aspects to relationships that I have to think through and I am sure this period of realising my weaknesses in friendships or feelings toward friendship will help me consider the whole issue more deeply.

I have had a few friends whose company I enjoy and i feel confident that they enjoy mine but it has been a few years since I have really just sat with a friend, had coffee with someone who I know enjoys my company.

But as my commenter also points out it is easy to over look blessings and as I think about each place we have lived I realise that there are people who have come and enjoyed my company

This has made me realise that actually a large part of my 'issue' is that I feel that people don't enjoy my company and that leads me to worry that I am a bit odd and maybe not very nice, likable or very 'oh my goodness poor thing'.

I can't think logically about this I think I just have to deal with the emotional side and think about reasons for my confidence being so low and then lay this before Jesus and ask that he heal and help.

I think when I go before the panel in Jan it is wiser that I have thought on a deep level about all this rather than go and hope I will hold myself together. I need to know myself through this pain and then be able to stand on the other side whoever or however that might be.. the thing is i have to allow myself the time to think and feel this through.
I am going to use a few of the things my commenter mentioned so thanks for that.