It was ashers birthday yesturday and thankfully I still felt good and so we managed to finish tidying the house and baked a cake. Well actually my daughter baked a cake. Such an amazing child. So beautiful and caring, accomplished and determined. She did such an amazing job and when the cake would not turn out (as I had left the baking cake tins at a friends house she had to use a hugh roasting tin!) we simple made a fantastic cake with cream and icing in the form of tirimisu.
Our son made a fantastic card and left space for us to sign which we all did and he very proudly handed it to his dad. He is great at drawing and very funny always joking and making us laugh. He always tries his best and succeeds. I am very proud of my two big babies. Yesturday they helped me so much with joy and love. I could not ask for a lovelier place to have been.

Mission in unfamiliar contexts.

The Cross and the Tomb are empty and so in many ways we sacrifice ourselves in ministry. We empty ourselves in giving to other sacrificially and we give our selves to others in service but my thought lies in the less easily grasped realisation that after Jesus rose from the grave he was seen with people confirming the scriptures, sharing the bread and wine, meeting with friends and being present in their daily lives.

And so it is essential our ministry is not only self emptying. It is essential that our ministry is fulfilling, sharing, alive and real.

I am listening to Ave Maria and todays I read psalm 73. How Apt.

Ave maria was written for the 'The Lady of the Lake' Sir Walter Scott.

The whole feel of the song is one of a child calling out in need of answered prayer.

In Psalm 73 one can hear the reality of Davids plea to know God within him as he faces the presures and powers of mankinds sins before him.

Is it not a presure we are all too aware of ourselves in this modern age were we are all able to live as kings.

Those who provide our food and entertainment often suffer greatly for our demands. We do not see them and so are not bothered. We live just as kings.

Those who are sacrificed to provide us provide us with these things live unnoticed by us and we ease our conscience by buying Fair trade or such. We live as gods.

And then just as David recognises in this Psalm at points we awaken and our hearts are aware. We recognise ourselves before God. The whole psalm is an amazing in look to Davids life with other kings and dignitories and then his recognition that if God is within your spirit, guiding your life then you have such love and peace.

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

I have had a awful cold for the last few days and it is just shifting today though I feel awful and need to get things sorted for a midsummer service we are having in Caldecote each week of August.

I am sure no one will come especially since I have been too ill to get posters out.

I feel terrible but hope that word of mouth will get a few people in. These things never attact people though as people forget.

Lord remind them!!

I love these verses. 'Wash and make yourselves clean' then 'Come let us reason together'. They remind me of our call in Deut 11 to speak of these things to our children. discuss before breakfast and as we walk.

Be inspired

Isaiah 1:
16 wash and make yourselves clean.
Take your evil deeds
out of my sight!
Stop doing wrong,
17 learn to do right!
Seek justice,
encourage the oppressed. [a]
Defend the cause of the fatherless,
plead the case of the widow.
18 "Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
19 If you are willing and obedient,
you will eat the best from the land;

It is so hard to struggle through life if you find bringing up children more of a chore than a blessing.

How to find the balance and create a healthy focus?

Sacrifice is something most people are prepared to do but after a while or with a new turn of events sacrifice becomes too much of a burden which limits all those involved.

How to turn sacrifice into something manageable and healthy is my thought.

This is a picture from a page on the Westcott College Cambridge Site. As I looked at it I began to realise how 'alien' our 'rituals' must be to onlookers. I began to recognise that actually people may well not look at us a laugh anymore that we are partaking in these strange rituals. I think now they are so alien people look on in as much interest or disinterest as they would if Hindu's or some other faith were performing a ritual in public, i.e Diwali.

It did make me think about how our children feel.

Kids struggle with being different. This is something many kids have to face and recognise eventually that we are all different. It is impossible to 'fit in' unless those you are with accept you for YOU.

My thoughts this morning are on how we can enable our kids to be strong in themselves and know that people look on at them to discover who they are so it is best to discover just that.




So how can you discover who you are?
join clubs that do things you are interested in

Enjoy the company of friends who really do accept you and all the strange things you think and do!!

Talk to parents and people who live with you and want the best for you.

Think. Using your brain to consider all sorts of things helps you to grow and learn more about all that you can do.

I am sure that there are more and hope to get others from friends who may have suggestions.

"Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning"

This verse has jumped out of the pages today and it kind of fulfills a set of verses that I have been getting over a few years. I have decided to use this space to collate them. with my own thoughts in bold. The verses related underneath.

Luke 12:35 "Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning

the following verses were coming to me a couple of years ago and then they were given by another friend and strangely (as these things go) were the verses on the Wed Communion the following but one day. I recognised that God had our lives in his hands and though we were not staying in one place long we had to follow and be ready for any move and trust that He has our lives in his plan.... there is a purpose and His purpose will be upheld if we trust.

Luke 9
The Cost of Following Jesus
57As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go."
58Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

59He said to another man, "Follow me."
But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father."

60Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."

61 Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family."

62Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

From the following verses I had felt that God was saying to me have focus Rosanna. I am the focus. But I did not realise at that time that having the baby would put such a pressure on me and I would this last year and a half loose my focus. Not in my mind or thoughts or heart, no God and our Lord Jesus have become ever more my focus in my daily thoughts... continual. But in my soul, my spirit. here I have found a real battle and struggle which I lost. I feel (perhaps I am wrong) that no man can win the battle in the sould and spirit this a place for the Lord to win and kindle. And that is why I know my focus had gone in these deep places.

Luke 10

At the Home of Martha and Mary
38As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. 40But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42but only one thing is needed.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

the parables about using the talents God has entrusted to you has been 'in my face' so to say for a good few weeks now and I wondered why. Yesterday again I put the radio on a christian channel and the parable of the talents came on with a commentary. 'throughout luke these parables are placed after a teaching about salvation. We are being warned to use our talents not only be thankful for our salvation'.

I have to face the fact that God has called me and unless I obey I am stifled. I feel like a useless candle.


These and others from luke similar are those that had kept prodding my conscience though I was unsure why fully... strange how some things just do not fully come to our understanding until the right time.

Luke 12

42The Lord answered, "Who then is the faithful and wise manager, whom the master puts in charge of his servants to give them their food allowance at the proper time? 43It will be good for that servant whom the master finds doing so when he returns. 44I tell you the truth, he will put him in charge of all his possessions. 45But suppose the servant says to himself, 'My master is taking a long time in coming,' and he then begins to beat the menservants and maidservants and to eat and drink and get drunk. 46The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers.

47"That servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows. 48But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.


Now I know that the Spirit is within kindled and my soul is alight with excitement and desire. my mind is eager and listening. my strength is focused and directed. Gods warning is heeded and just as in the parable about the fig tree which had not been tended I pray that God will be my farmer and I will be the tree. let it be.

Luke 13

1Now there were some present at that time who told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mixed with their sacrifices. 2Jesus answered, "Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? 3I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. 4Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them—do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem? 5I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish."
6Then he told this parable: "A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. 7So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, 'For three years now I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?'

8" 'Sir,' the man replied, 'leave it alone for one more year, and I'll dig around it and fertilize it. 9If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.' "


Luke 12Watchfulness
35"Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning, 36like men waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him. 37It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. I tell you the truth, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them. 38It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the second or third watch of the night. 39But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have let his house be broken into. 40You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."
41Peter asked, "Lord, are you telling this parable to us, or to everyone?"

I am feeling really low this morning. Arrived home and having to unpack, clean, sort things out and reduce rubbish, keep kids happy and help them to want to study during the holidays, mind the baby and keep her in a routine that will enable me to do things after the holiday, cook, shop, plan for DDO meeting in a month and spiritual direction meeting un booked as I have noone to help me look after the children while I go, Bible Study and prayer time, Reflection on things that I wanted to write about....
then chatting to Dearest One as I took a bath to relax from getting mighty upset with the kids for not helping look after baby while I cleaned up kitchen after cooking.... he says 'oh you lucky thing, work is horrid'... ahhhhh I wish I was at work.
full stop
moaning over now off to pray and study then the rest.
todays readings

Today I visited the church my sister in law attends, when she is able to go to church.

I went with the question posed by the DDO 'What is happening as the Priest presides at Communion?'.

It was amazing and perhaps not relevent to the question but what happened will remain with me forever in what ever ministry God is calling me to.

I moved forward and sat with a lady who was alone. She is in her 80s I expect and as we whispered to each other I could tell how blessed she was at my keeping her company. She stood for some of the songs and the creed and for communion which was brought for her in her chair as she does not go forward. It was obvious that my sitting with her had given her the courage and joy to stand and I was so touched by this. The JOY of coming along side and bringing community, love and joy is deep and unfathomable.

In a perfect world the Priest is standing there with all those who cannot, being a support to them, and hence when taking communion out to those who are no longer able to get to church is just an extension of that presence at the Lord's table.

we are having a lovely weeks break at Ashers sisters house in liverpool. It has been suprisingly relaxed. Perhaps because I am absolutely exhausted or an answer to prayers we have not spent the whole time cleaning and tidying as usual. I have found myself just playing with the children and enjoying them enjoying each other. a good time had by all.

amidst this peace I have actually been able to spend time thinking and what a feeling of freedom that is. I almost do not know how to begin thinking and retaining my thoughts. But they are there!

The depth of God is so incredible.

Confidence is one issue that has come up in this during this process. I am confident and outgoing but underneith I have real issues that I am going to upset others, that i am going to ruffle feathers, that am going to disturb others in someway. I know this is because Ihave tried to be myself and found that others are unable to cope and so Ihave retracted and am always careful around people.

I put others first and hide myself. In doing that I have lost 'understanding and knowing' myself.

I have been so relieved that I feel more secure about myself and this has led in turn to me considering where God is at work in me at the moment. I am so often busy looking at where God is present in others or in the community that I never think of myself in that equation.

This is why I say God is so incredibly deep. There are different levels in that depth and I feel I have been splashing about onthe top and as I had been a deep sea diver it was fustrating that I felt my tools did not allow me to go deeper into the water.

I now feel that rather than equipment I am learning a new style of swimming in the deep sea. I feel I am learning 'free range' swimming. I don't know what you would call it in technical terms but that is the best explanation i can give.

todays readings

Yesturday's meeting with the DDO was very relaxed. I think I have taken peoples advise on board and just taken a back seat in this process. I must seek the Lord with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength not just His will.

One comment that the DDO and I discussed from my list of 'what a Priest is and is not' was one sentence that 'A Priest is not alone in the inner sanctuary'.

I said in explaining this and realised as I explained it that in Jesus Death the curtain was torn and the people were enabled into the inner place which had been used only once a year. This is perhaps one those mysteries that we discuss very little but is actually essential to our understanding and faith.

Jesus death enabled this place to be accessible. This place being the place were God can meet us.

So my thought is that priest is NOT alone in this inner sanctuary but is there with the people and should experience this mystery and be enabling and drawing others into this sanctuary.

The curtain is torn down and the Priestly mission of Christ is enabled forever.

Seeing the DDO today.

I have my list of what a vicar is and is not. I have a more relaxed attitude to this process and a recognition that I just have to sit through it and pray in the way Jesus leads me.

It is so important that each of us get to spend time reflecting, thinking, praying and reading so that we can grow and know.

I find it hard to begin even to just sit. I am feeling the effects. My mind is so scatty and my body aches.

Todays Readings
The passage from Samuel really struck me today because Ihad just been reading about the leadership of a priest. In this passage we see Samuel give the instruction from God. Saul not obeying God and take on the role of leadership, then the Priest comes forward with the message and warning from God.

Today we go away on holiday which is not likely to be relaxing but I lift up my arms and bend my knees that God prepares the way for us. Amen

todays readings

This psalm is very deep and demands a bit of research. Who are the gods, to whom is the address spoken to? how does this relate to our spiritual understanding of heaven and the world we live in.

I am not going to write my thoughts or findings as this is perhaps something that everyone should do for themselves.

It is interestingly put with Matt and Jer passages that work really well to make us consider these things more.

You could also read John 10 and Ephesians 6 with this psalm.

Todays readings


Blessed are the poor, Susan Peterson
'I see my need and humbly seek Your face.
Show me Your mercy; all my cares erase.'


I find these words strange in todays psalm 126
'Those who sow in tears will reap in joy.'

They remind me of Jesus teaching in Matt 5


3"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

'You will find yourself, as celebrant at the Eucharist privileged with a unique intensity to 'be with god with the people in your heart'. p16 , Michael Ramsey, The Christian Priest Today'.

for the last year I have found prayer a very different affair. I have struggled and if i am n=honest I have not prayed every day, i have not meditated as I washed up, I have not interceded for the those I know and who are on my heart. It has been a very lonely prayer time, one of me calling out to God and daring to speak to Jesus but with very little closeness.

When I read the above quote I realised that my situation has changed so much that I no longer am in a position where I am in the heart of the community with the needs and praises of people around me. I know very well that there are those who need prayer but somehow I am on the outside. I feel I am one of the congregation rather than a member of the community.

I lack seriously in discipline and that is what has been revealed by this experience. Rule of life is one aspect that a friend has been commenting on in her blog and so I am drawn to this again. How can i find out about, how can i maintain, how can i become a person with and of a Rule of Life?

Time

So often I find that I have so many things on my mind that I struggle to complete things. I have found a set of tools which help to focus and complete.

An just as I write this a note that the CRB forms are incomplete comes through which is rediculous as we spent hours making sure all the info was there. Probably the Diocese want more info there form was harder to do that the CRB.
ahhhhhhhh

I sat this morning saying to my son that I need time today to pray and seek God in the matter of my being a Vicar. I just am not sure it is what God wants me to do and I need to seek Him in this before I meet with my DDO on Tuesday and let her know that I am putting this whole thing on hold.

My son sat shaking his head with a screwed up face and said 'yep you should be' I said 'No I need to seek God seriously, I really don't think I should be going forward to be a vicar.' to which he repeated himself so I asked 'why do you say that?' his reply made me laugh so much.

'Your the only person who does not think you should be, your the only person'.

Boy that puts a drain unblocker in my system!

I have had such a hard time recently and I feel so stupid for getting upset, i feel selfish for not being able to cope, i feel like a failure for not doing enough.

If i am not able to keep 'house' now how on earth can i go on and do house, baby, family, study and work placements next year if I go through for training?

I give up and then sense a small determination within that just forces me to ask for Jesus' help. I am sure he gets fed up with this routine I am going through but perhaps I am battling the Mary Martha game.

Yestuday i found myself saying surely that i follow a call from God and serve Him in the community as he leads is more important than housekeeping.

I cannot fathem why it is so hard to study. I find that my mind goes blank when I have time to read and then I have so many things I want to read and prepare I get lost in which one I am doing.

so fustrating also that the books I want to read cost so much and the libraries do not have them.
rosanna

I began to think today about buying a house in new by village which might work well for us, but again this evening I seem to get the impression that God is saying NO.

Again in our family prayers one of the verses came up that I always get when considering this matter.

Luke 10: 1-3.. take no sandel or satchel....

The other I often get is Luke 9:58... though they are related and so close I had not realised until this evening as I checked up because they always come at such different times.

I am off to read the whole passage more carefully and see if I am missing something.

But as it stands I always take it that God is saying life freely and do not get bound by a house as you are not yet where I want you to be.

today I watched Vicar of Dibley and one comment made me sit up and listen.

It was from 'celebrity Vicar' she becomes famous after doing a Pause For Thought. A journalist comes to do a story on her and rather than writing about her he writes about her parishoners. The No No No Brain, and Is this the Smelliest Man in England, and Is this the Moring man in England.

At the PCC meeting the chairman David says 'You let yourself come before your parishoners, have you got anything to say for yourself?' She shakes her head and he says'Then we move on sadly'.

enough said

this evening after school I went to the youth group and again it was great to have them all enjoying themselves. We studied Acts 9 and had the verses 1-19 printed from different versions of the Bible.

We did this to show the guys how the different versions can help us to understand the thought that was being expressed by the original writers. We read about Paul as it is such a famous conversion and conversation I picked up on the point that though we can think we are talking to noone when we talk to God we are actually talking to God and others confirm that very often. In this chapter we find many confirmations that Paul is not imagining.

A great worship evening also.
I feel so privilaged to be apart of this.

Paul probably enraged by Stephens death was consumed with thoughts about it. He surely pondered Stephens peaceful and unafraid manner in which he simply and confidently delivers his soul to God.

I am thinking of this because I am doing a study with young teens about paul this evening and I am just considering how being a Christian effects our manner as we live out our faith. Are we confident and at peace with ourselves and God?

I have been thinking about my last post and mentioning that my suprise would be greater to find an abyse than to find God. But I realise that it is not miracles that proove to us that God exists. I feel far more sure of the times when God has spoken to us than amazing things that happen.

I think this is because amazing things happen to us all in this world. Those who believe in God or not. There is no distinction as the Bible says 'one whom God sends the rain'.

It is when God speaks that I am truely assured and it is those times that I hold on to.

There are so many things to do with children and ways we can organise ourselves so that life is fulfilling and happy but we get so bogged down and tired it is hard to keep going.
I pray for myself and my sisters who are in a similar place to me right now.

Here are some ideas to entertain when you just cant be bothered to move.

jar with water and washing up liquid in. A bubble handle or something which would allow to blow through and make bubbles. i make my mixture shamefully strong but wach out for eyes, don't blow bubbles directly over the kids.

Take out shakers, drums any musical instrument or saucepans, pasta in a small tub with lid on, spoons, wooden spoons, and sing songs.

Take out paper and cut into thin strips have cellotape and glue and allow young one to experiment while trying to get the strips onto different things for example an old egg box can be cut up using the roundie bit to make a spider. then use straws to hand the spidars and your young one will enjoy the mobile. Mima loves spiders but we enjoyed chasing each other with the spiders!


The Grand Old Duke of York, He Had Ten Thousand Men, He marched them up to the top of the hill and he marched them down again. and when they were up they were up and when they were down they were down and when they were only half way up they were neitehr up nor down. see this link for a great way of doing this song

God is amazing, generous and awesome. I never cease to be inspired by the way God shows me so faithfully and gently that He is God and is in my life. I am so weak and frail yet this powerful God manages to speak to me in ways that are so gentle and true.

If there is no God then on the other side of this world when I stand in an abyse I will be more shocked than all the times that God shows me so faithfully that He is God and is in my life. And if I find that there is no conscience after death I will know nothing but the joy having known a God whilst alive on earth.

What has caused me to have such an outburst?!!!

Perhaps the meditation I have been shown over the last few days about being a mother who has been asked to or 'called' into the journey to priesthood is at a close. Maybe not but tonight just before I closed my reading of Richard Giles 'Here I am' this is what I read...

In foster families, of course, one doesn't sit around all day feeling cosseted; there is much to be done, from peeling potatoes to learning consideration, and remembering birthdays, and saying sorry. Foster parents are busy watching out for special gifts and skills, encouraging aptitudes here, redirecting energies there, always bringing out the best.
The Church is no different. Priests are parents who are always on the lookout for special gifts and aptitudes among their spiritual charges. page 98.

This reading did not even follow the pages I was reading it just dropped open at the end of the book which I never do, I never read the end of a book before I work my way through the pages.

I am amazed that God should direct my life and desire me to continue on this path to discover what he wants me to do. I am pray that I learn how to discuss, share and explain myself clearly and with confidence that I humbly feel Gods leading.

I have to challenge Richard Giles on just one comment that he has made in his book 'Here I Am'. He does not agree with the new wording used in the Alternative Service Book which has changed from 'go and make disciples' to 'baptise new disciples'. Now Giles comment is 'If we are not here to make disciples, we might as well return to the life we knew before the selection conference and the ordination exam.

I actually have to raise the point that there is a difference between the roles that have been established by the church over the years between the Deacon and the Priest or presbyter. I see a point in changing the wording and focus of the role because the Church has moved on from the days when the priest did it all. The Priest is now much more a Presbyter. The time of the layman is here. The Body of Christ is beginning to start crawling and with the taking a priest taking a back seat and ensuring that new disciples are Baptised, taught, nurtured, you never know perhaps we will begin to walk and even run as the Body the Christ.

Of course this is not to say that the Presbyter does not have the God given desire and role to make disciples as the Lord leads.

Today at church someone commented 'You have a lovely family, that means alot' This comment comes on top of a comment from my mum that she emailed me after coming for dinner on Friday evening. She wrote You are an accomplished mother, your children are 'You are a very accomplished person. The meal was lovely, the children delightful, the home so comfortable , yes all showed the hand of a competent mother.'

I am not writing this to boost my ego but when my friend mentioned it to me today I wondered if God might be reminding me of something and so I have been thinking and realised that I have put all else aside to concentrate on bringing up my family and devoting time to ensure that they understand life and who they are in this world as best I could.

Then as I chatted throughout the day about this to my dh I realised that when I go the panel I need to be me. I am a mother who has spent time reflecting, dedicating, serving, encouraging, engaging and disparing with my family which has enabled us to be a family I am proud to be apart of.

My dh also said to me 'it is better to be sure of what you have acheived than what you might acheive' and so I will try to be me and hold on that.

I have just had the most wonderful moment. I led communion for our family as we often do on a Sabbath, Friday. My mum and Step father came over and after the readings, song, prayer, communion they told me that I must put all else aside and focus on going forward for ordination.

It was amazing to hear that from them, as I always felt that as long as it was a paid work that I could do then I should go for it. It actually also came after a day when I had sadly been reflecting that people do not support me in the things I know I could do like child care or hotel management or catering etc...

So at the end of a day when I had reflected that family had not ever said 'yes do that you would be great.... my mum and step father say 'yes do that you are being moulded and are becoming, it is not that you could be it is that you are .... this is something you HAVE to do... I can see you leading a service, really I can actually see you leading a service and you have just led us here and it was wonderful it was like seeing you being who Christ wants you to be.' and then my mum said 'and you have a wonderful voice'. Thank you, thank you so much.

If I am ordained this will be a moment that will make that moment very special.

John 15:12-17


Listen to this passage
View commentary related to this passage


12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other.

Many years ago an elder in a church I attended for a good two years said to me 'When I pray for you I think of a shepherd welcoming people in'. A few years later another person who also knows me well and is in full time Christian Ministry said that 'I was called to the ministry of reconciliation'.

A deacon is called to encourage and be outward looking. I feel I am definately called to be outward looking but I am called to look outwardly in an inwardly manner. To encourage and enable the church to be a place that people can invite friends and people to. A place that when others come they meet God, they find a place in which they can recognise God at work.

I on my own will not do a good job and that is why I am constantly glad that it is God who calls and who works through us all doing and living out our calling. i am just a small part and if we all work together for the glory of God through Christ then, then and only then will we discover fruit and beauty and worship with the angels etc..... just a bit of ott there!!

I cannot come to say that I should not be a deacon it is a role in the church that I would love to live out and hope to live out. If I could fulfill the role of a deacon I would be very happy. But I do not feel it is the role that God is calling me to. Why???

I have failed to continue in the David Haywood study as I keep forgetting to do it. I have spent the last week reflecting on the first lesson but not really moving on so I am very disheartened as I feel I am just never going to fit all the extra things I want to get done for myself. I must I must....

I must.
So I think when the chips are down there is only one thing left to do.

Pray.
Lord, please please light in me the spark that enables your people to study more and pray more. Set me on fire to do more than I could do alone and help me achieve so taht I might share the grace and love and wisdom you enable me to have.

I don't want to be greedy I want to be overflowing.
Amen

Considering hearing confessions is important to me.

An important part of my calling is that I feel drawn to being able to hear confession and be in a position to enable those needing absolution to leave with a knowledge that they are forgiven and can begin to live a new life just as Jesus said to so many of those he healed 'Go and sin no more'.

As a deacon you are part of that process and it is essential but I wonder what a deacon would say about their call to hear confession.

It is hard to be with people and not be faced with the knowledge that some you speak to do wish you to hear them in their darkest and wildest thoughts and look for help and clarity. I am sure a deacon is faced with this also.

It seems when considering the role of a Deacon the fact that Jesus obviously lived out this role is enticing. To serve should be a key element of our calling as Christians, yet where to serve is critical as to be wrong would be stiffling and unfruitful.

And so i begin to look at the role of Deacons.

I did look at being a Deacon when I first began this journey of exploration. I felt that perhaps I was called to support the local minister/vicar and work with the people as I feel I am a 'people's person'.


Serving the wider community

deacons are called to put this into practice and make it a 'human reality'. They serve alongside the Bishop and Priest across a diocese enabling, enlightening and encouraging. How cool is that!

I certainly fit in here with my sense of hope and calling to reach out to the community in which I live and to a smaller degree the wider world I also am apt to be involved and notice the marginalised and the needy. Having been involved in care for the Elderly, disabled and self harmers I feel I have some ability to come alongside and perhaps discern ways for the church to support and love when and where able.

The Incumbents Course

I am beginning to admit to myself that being called to the role of a Priest is a particularly unique call and one which calls us to step out in faith with a heart of preparation ready to accept the responsibility.

this thought came after reading a thought from a blogger friend and her picture posted www.iwanttobeavicar.com

Books

Vocation

Being a Priest Today C.Cocksworth and R.Brown
The Life and Work of a Priest J.Pritchard
Ministry and Priesthood A.Redfern
How to Find Your Vocation J.Adair



Mission

Provocative Church G.Tomlin
Mission Shaped Church P.Bayes and T.Sledge
Healthy Churches Guide R.Warren
Evangelism M.Booker and


Spiritual

Why Go To Church Radcliffe
God of Surprises G.Hughes

Church Of England

this evening I chatted with a fellow from our church who has just returned from the Bishops selection panel.

I realised as he spoke that the panel represent a range of traditions in the COE and we come before them to show who we are and as a representation of the COE they identify in us or with us this must be part of diciding our 'fate'!

So what i mean really is that we can only be ourselves because the people who select us and are part of the big process are chosen to be 'a representation' therefore they are different to each other and so can recognise different things in us.

hope that makes sense to you more than it does to me!
rosanna

Why a Priest?

Our direction should always be focused toward God. I have found that when my direction is not focused on God it feels disorientated, like I have missed the most important part of what the day should have been about. I think this is because I know I may have missed being prepared for something or missed doing something that God would have used me for.

I feel I am being called to be alive in the service of God, as we all are but whether I fail or succeed it is in doing God's work and discovering God's way, plan, work that I find I am alive always moving on, maturing, learning and becoming.

I do not mind failing or suffering I do not mind having to change course because it is not ME that I am trying to please, if it were I would have about three franchise businesses by now but it is God alone that I am to follow and seek direction from.

This is one reason why 'priest'. When I seek to find alternatives I am falling out of Gods path for me and I notice it in my spiritual life, home life, relationships, everything. When I say 'Yes OK, then what is the next step' and take it I find it is like bubbles going off inside and they are bouncing around excited.

John Pritchard in his book 'The life and Work of a Priest' p16

'did you truly help to inspire my people to worship and to love?

today I began to realise something that has been on my conscience for a long time. I began to recognise what it means to 'stand inthe gap' This has been a verse which has stood with me for along time and now I begin to place it in the context of being a priest. Rather than a priest standing as Christ within the church a priest stands as the church within Christ.

I wonder what other peoples thoughts are on this and I am going to 'phone a friend and as the audience!'

it is so interesting looking back over past posts and realising how helpful this blogging is. I am going to try and get used to it and use it more, thank you blogspot this has helped my learning and reflecting on what I have learnt so much i might actually yet learn something!

I am taking a radical step.
I am beginning David Heywoods bible in a year course
I am opening a file for each of the criteria for ordination

Now I am going to pray that God brings someone along to whom I can be accountable. I feel I get lost or bored and then busy and sidetracked so I need to make this my priority to do this I need someone who is suitable for me and who will be able to keep me focused.

I have been thinking through my visit to the DDO and she identifies the confidence issue I have. I need to work on this and the only way is for me to put more work in and feel I have actually learnt more and organised things more and that then with reflection I can express my thoughts better as my knowledge and ideas will be more rounded and conclusive.

Put in the work rosi

rosanna

Hebrews 1: 1-3

1In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, 2but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. 3The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word.

Who is Jesus? this is the question and here is the beginning of the answer
'the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being'

it is awesome to comprehend that he 'sustains all things by his powerful word'
that is something to pray and and reflect on.

Priestly Ministry
I am reading John Pritchard 'The Life and Work of a Priest'. At the beginning on page x he writes that he will base his book on the structure of a sentence by Bishop Jack Nicholls ' the only things he had to be concerned with as a priest were the glory of God, the pain of the world and the renewal (repentance) of the Church. John Pritchard then point out that God and the world come before the church...... 'note that God nd the world come before the Church. That seems to me to be an important signal. We serve an astonishing God for the sake of an amazing world; we're not simply church functionaries.

My reaction to this is to disagree because Paul was concerned with the building of the church, Jesus was concerned with sharing the gospel with the Jews, To build up, to enable, to then encourage outreach.

But perhaps what is going to be part of this book is that if we focus on the first two then we get to loose focus on the last one. So I can only think that it must be hard to keep the focus of the world if it does not come first. The end goal should be that we are all outward looking, inwardly reflective, upwardly focused.

So I read on and see where this takes my thoughts and where John Pritchards thoughts are headed also.


update by ch 2 So far many of Pritchard's structure for sentences seem not be in line with the structure he put forward earlier.
pWorship relates primarily to Godsecond to God's gathered people, and third to God's other people' - those not in church or who do not attend regularly.

i was mentioning to the DDO yesturday that my relationship with God has changed since having Mima as i get to spend so much less time in prayer with out something on my mind that needs doing.
i said that this has made me realise that if I go into ministry then my time would be even more taken up and so i have had to learn creative ways to learn and pray.

here are some of those ways:
online:
www.sacredspace.ie
for example their reflection this week is

Jesus' image of the wheatgrain dying, then bearing fruit, symbolises not just our mortal life, but the many times we die a little before our death: with every parting, moving of house or job, loss of a friend or dear one, loss of property. Can I think of any experience of suffering and loss that has borne fruit because of God's grace? How did it happen? To cling to what we have lost is to bury our life in the past. Even the most painful loss can be a new beginning. Lord, when I was suffering pain, and the loss of people and things I loved, I believe you were somehow present to me. Show me how you were.

then they have a prayer for each day.

www.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/cmo-retreat.html
this is an Ignatian retreat online and though it takes along time to read through bits I have done bits very slowly and they are often things that are needed to be thought about and mulled over slowly so it works for busy people who just have a short time to read and then think about in bed before sleeping

here are a number of online devotions I particularly like:
http://www.intothyword.org/
http://www.henrinouwen.org/home/free_eletters/
http://www.taize.fr/en_article1854.html
http://www.taize.fr/en_article5806.html
http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/dailyhomily/

The question I have to explore this month is:
The role of a Priest. I have to form two columns and answer what the role of a priest is and is not...

I don't know how to do columns so here is an above and below!

A Priest is someone who

helps to bring re-alignment of self with God and all God wants for us. (J.Pritchard p13 The Life and work of a Priest uses the word re-alignment in the context of worship but it reminds me that people turn to a priest for many reasons with perhaps many agendas but a priests role is to keep the focus of enabling that 're-alignment' with God. Later on in the book Pritchard uses the term 'God Directedness'.

enables the worship of the church to suit the community.

presiders in an act of worship

seeks to 'representing the people before God and seeking to make God present to God's people 'John Pritchard, life and work of a priest p20'

encourager of prayer

Seeks to 'representing the people before God and seeking to make God present to God's people 'John Pritchard, life and work of a priest p20'

Encourager of prayer

To the Glory of God

Nourisher and rebuker in teaching


Shepherd – can stand alone, straight talking, ‘not hired’, faithful generous of heart and determined,

Proclaimers: (This is where I find it hard to write down the words which describe the calling, but I will as it is from God to those called)
Annointed, Share peace and Good news, Liberty, Year of Lord’s Favour.

a provider

gathers up all the roles in the church

preacher/teacher

intercessor

man of the eucharist

IS NOT
celebrants in an act of worship J.prichard p15
A lone Rander

i have been unable to write as i have been so tired and busy.

Brownies is taking up loads of time as i have just taken over the pack and there is so much organising to do.

But I have also been really tired. Mima now 18months is not sleeping so well and when she does i still wake up!

I am really rather depressed because of tiredness and no money to go and do things with her.

Never mind, I am praying about the finances and other than a lottery win I am hoping our spending will be able to reduce, but the lawn mower broke, borrowed one and that broke! the car is obviously needing something done which even if it is cheap we don't have the cash to pay.

But I know God will provide and help, somehow, something always just works out to help, not quiet cover it all but help keep us ticking on reserves!

Mission

Here is the question

write about an aspect of criterion H for which you feel/think you have a particular vocation.

Well it is just very 'obvious to write about nurture of new believers' though I have altered this to be new and weathered believers! I am really wondering how I can engage with this question within a 700 limit sharing about other aspects.

I have to reflect theologically and be accessible and stimulating. Oh boy!

It is so good to hear that the Anglican Covenant is being sent out to all member churchs and that from this point we can as a communion begin to work on our relationships and understandings of each other.

It is so hard to face the future when the essence of our very being feels like it is under a surgeons knife. It is very well to be firm in ones belief and this is to be admired but without love it is nothing just a resounding gong as one would say. It undermines and at the very worse risks the spiritual life of another, which is thus nothing short of murder.

I say this because the passage from James about taming the tongue is based on the thought that is close the Jewish heart. If one damages another’s response or journey with God then that is on par with murder.

The Anglican covenant aims to enable us to start working on our relationaships, building our trust and helping us to be responsible to and for each other. This is so exciting and if people are prepared to take this on and work with each other with any gusto how amazing it will be.

As a simple lay member of the congregation who is continually baffled at how complex life as a member of Christ’s family can get I am hopeful at this stage that there are opportunities being set out for us to learn more about how we can know where and perhaps how we stand together and that there are people who can see we can ‘intensify our fellowship and our trust’ (Archbishop Rowan Williams,
http://www.archbishopofcanterbury.org/2802)

I really hope we will be able to read this document as I have always wanted to learn much more about what we hold in common as a communion. The Covenant sets out a basis on which the Anglican family works, prays, live and hopes and this sounds like something that should encourage and enable us to work together and rejoice in our diversity and ability to learn and grow closer to Christ through our discussion.

five marks of mission

■proclamation of the good news
■teaching and nurturing of new believers
■responding to human need by loving service
■seeking to transform unjust structures in society
■caring for creation

Lord, I how does my failing come across to you? When I am lazy, angry, selfish or deliberatly forgetful are you disappointed?
Forgiveness I know can be sought and refreshment gained, but am I just to unaware to realise what is at stake?
Lord Open My Eyes and help me to see
Open my Ears and help me to hear
Open my heart and help me to feel
Open my mind and help me to understand.

Amen.

I have often thought that mission is God's Job not ours. But now I am beginning to read this from official sources it is not as exciting as I thought. Let me share my thoughts and see where it goes.

I feel that mission is Gods job. He is the one who created us, made us who we are, enables us to be where we are and has a plan for what we do. So then our direction comes from God and is for God. It is like being part of a football team. They see our potential and invest and train and then set us in the game, but they tell us the plan of action and as a team we work together to win the game.

So when I think of mission of course I think of God and listen watch and wait.

It is also Gods reputation on the line so i expect God to do something. If there is nothin then usually a gentle step by step approach to things is good as doors open and close. I have found that the Holy Spirit is not like a resounding gong - i suppose he would not be as love comes right in there. So then I need to be sensitive and delicate as I pray and recognise what and where God is working and where I should be doing my thing!

Yesturday I went to a home of a Christian who works with youth. I had unknowingly met his wife the day before when dropping our son off for a youth camp he was attending. I was amazed that he lived in a home which I pass every day and am drawn to with a sense of 'homeliness'. it is a small end of terrace asthetically nothing to write home about but something draws me so often to think 'what a lovely home'. How suprised was I to discover who lives there.

Later I read
Richard Baxter notes 'The world is better able to read the nature of religion in a man's life than in the Bible'.

'When people brush against the holy they are never quite the same afterwards. Perhaps it is only in a fleeting encounter, but htey have met someone who stands for another world, a different set of values that are strangely compelling. They have sensed another way of ordering life and, for a moment everything seemed to make sense, to fit into place. In this person something of the divine could be sensed, and it felt good to be in touch with such deep reserves of affirmation and love.'

(Being A Priest Today, Christopher Cocksworth and Rosalind Brown)

If this is what happened when I passed Steves homes then it was something of the something of the divine which drew me. If the worship of God can make and impact through the home as I pass in the car, if the love and worship of God can enlightened the world somehow even from a home then how much more must it be true from us humans. When we meet with God that grace shines out and is there to be experienced by others.

I read this to Asher and told him which encouraged him to make sure we had our family Bible study. Which was a reading from John 19: 1-11. The comment was 'When someone has higher values do we join in with others and laugh at them or do we stand with them and join them in doing right and turning to God'.

I do love it when things all seem to point to a daily dose of God pointing something out.

Peter Do You Love Me? Yes, Then Feed My Sheep.

We all have the ministry of being holy, Luther stressed that holiness is lived out in ordinary life, doing ordinary things. Rowan Williams writes 'A human being is holy, not because he or she triumphs by will power over chaos and guilt and leads a flawless life, but because that life shows the victory of God's faithfulness in the midst of disorder and imperfection.' (A Ray of Darkness, p114-115)

I have just discovered Expresso.

Sounds crazy really, but I have resisted expresso imagining it to be far too strong and far too small! but this morning I wanted both a hot chocolate and a coffee and could not face two cups of liquid and I did not want them adulterated by mixing them!

So I risked letting the coffee perculate in the single cup coffee strainer with a tiny amount of hot water and then when I was ready I went back and added a large dash of milk, I think they call it a macchiato. I added one teaspoon of brown sugar and ...

... ohhh the smoothness and richness is divine. To be honest it made me realise that the coffee i usually make is nothing in comparison.

The obvious conclusion here is that if we have a watered down relationship with Christ it is very much like this experience I had this morning, but I wont do that honest!

this is such an amazing text:

Ephesians 2:
11 Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called "uncircumcised" by those who call themselves "the circumcision"
[...]

14 For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, 15by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, 16and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. 17He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.

I was recently asked what is your gospel message. I wonder if the passages that God has directed my thoughts toward are coming together to simply give me an understanding of the gospel.

I keep meditating on John 2:12-25; john 3

unexpected opportunities

psalm 120, 121, 122
Exodus 1:22-2:10; Hebrews 8

I can imagine the Princes standing by the waters edge. Her reaching out and takng holdof this gift from the gods. It is considered that this princess was Hatshepsut the daughter of Raamses the 2nd and wife to Thutmose the 2nd. She was unable to have children so her husband had taken another wife who bore a son.

There are so many opportunities that come our way unexpectantly we need to be ready to take them and trust God will guide our way and be with us.

The Psalm is beautiful
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Son did really well at school and loves it. I am really glad that he is settling and has been accepted to this school. Thank you God for blessing us so much.

My Son starts school on thursday.

I am not worried really about it as I know he will cope being so strong of mind. I am concerned that he will meet good friends and pray that he gets into the right set.

rethinking mission doc

1 Mission lies in the nature and work of God
“All our mission springs from the action and self-revelation of God in Jesus Christ... our call to mission and evangelism [is] grounded in the very nature of the God who is revealed to us”.


2 Centrality of Jesus
'We look to the life, death and resurrection of Jesus to see how God is saving his world, calling us to respond and to join with him. Our response is not so much church-sponsored programmes to increase the number of Christians and / or to change the world, but more to be drawn into that life, death and resurrection of Jesus so that we become part of what God is doing. This, through the work of the Holy Spirit, then informs the direction and gives us the passion to speak and to act.'
“As Anglicans we are called to participate in God’s mission in the world, by embracing respectful evangelism, loving service and prophetic witness. As we do so in all our varied contexts, we bear witness to and follow Jesus Christ, the crucified and risen Saviour”, says TEAC, the Theological Education in the Anglican Communion working group. iv

The Marriage Course Day was an inspiration to me. Until this day I have always wondered how I will on earth manage to fit being a vicar ontop of all the things I have to do in the home.

Well I felt so invigarated that I came home feeling refreshed and able to do things in a very different light.

I am even more convinced now that this is the right path for me.

thinking about the difference between mission and evangelism

Mission is Gods call to us all to be a sign, to be a living reflection of his love, peace, hope and unity.

Mission is God's continued creating relationship with mankind lived out in his people.

This is why I feel Jesus was so angry at the Temple and the leaders.... they had hindered the creative relationship of God with his people.

Mission is Gods plan to reconcile - to be known and to be involved

mission is a deep hearted call to our souls to know God and make him known to others. To share more and more so that we may all be blessed.

considering the difference between Mission and Evangelism.

Why is mission so important and considered so central the Christian faith.....

Because we know our God to be a God of relationship. To be a God who has continually been involved with mankind. We are part of this creating God's plan a plan created for us to be known and know God.

So this is a mission God and we are wrapped up in this mission plan. As we come to know God we come to be apart of the understanding of this missional plan of God. The more we know and seek the more we understand and become part of the missional relationship of God.

Morning Prayer
Psalm 73; Genesis 41.46-42 Genesis 5; Galatians 4.8-20


I am sticking with the psalm as it suits my thoughts and answers so many deep emotions for me right now. Asher is so strong fighting this chemo and radio pain and intrusion. but is always throws up loads of other things that life throws at you while you are dealing with cancer also.

I know God is with us and I can praise him amazingly for that.


Evening Prayer
Psalms 74;Jeremiah 5.1-19; John 5.19-29

I am so tired. I am glad it is at the end of my husbands radio and chemo treatment. It is so tiring and draining. It is horrid to see him in so much pain. I think I need to make sure we have a really special weekend though I am away helping on a marriage course. Perhaps our Sabbath could be really special with a little gift or something. ummm something that does not cost much as I am also sorting out our finances and it is horrid!

I have had no time to read really but I get small glimpses and I have been trying to read Graham Tomlins evangelism book. It has helped me with my understanding of the gospel.

It has been explaining the Temple system and a few thoughts enlightened me.
1. The court yard was open to all including the Gentiles but they were excluded from the next area within the temple which is where only Jews could go. Women were then excluded from the next area were only Jewish men could go. Then the men were excluded from the next area where only priests could go and then they were excluded from the next area, the Holy of Holies were only One priest could go once a year. Tomlin points out that the jewish religion had become one of exclusion which is not what God had wanted. Separation perhaps but not exlusion. Jesus came to open up this whole system and I realised that people went to the temple to be with God yet could not actually go into the Holy of Holies... But through Christ we can.

Jesus had over turned the tables in John 2 and Mark 11 I think saying this is my fathers house 'a house of prayer'. It really struck me how we do not treat prayer with enough faith, belief, hope, expectancy, reverence or depth.

If Jesus has enabled us to enter the Holy of Holies and enabled us to stand right there and ask, listen, understand then boy we are so privilaged. I know in my prayers I do often feel that God is so close and it is so awesome, but then life engulfs and I plod along like Martha.

Morning Prayer
Psalms 71; Genesis 41.25-45; Galatians 3.23-4.7

Evening Prayer
Psalms 12, 13; Jeremiah 4.19-end; John 5.1-18


The psalm this morning I could claim as my own. It struck me that we can call to God for protection and to be saved and to be given life. I so often feel that I should not be selfish to ask these things as they may not be God's will and I should first seek his will. But here David crys out
'O God, you have taught me from my earliest childhood,
and I constantly tell others about the wonderful things you do.
18 Now that I am old and gray,
do not abandon me, O God.'

It is such an amazing psalm.


'God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children.'

I am reminded of John 2. In the Temple Jesus showed his anger at the Temple system by up turning the tables of money changers and drove out those who sold doves.

Christ became our coinage and so I can imagine seeing the act of Scriptural Repentance become a system I can understand his anger and recognition that he needed to disturb peoples thinking about all this. I am sure he knew this final task that God had placed him here to die as the final sacrifice of mankind that we may gain full understanding of life and God and be free to know God fully.

been away so long and it feels like it. I am been busy moving house and then asher got his cancer returned so months of operations and now chemo and radio. At last we are in the last week and I feel like I can start to swim again.. perhaps a long way from shore still but the initial shock of the depth of the ocean and the coldness of the sea has passed!

I hope i can begin to share daily thoughts again.

Nightmares can make you believe in things which aren’t true,
They scare me so much,
I yell to my parents,
Leave my door open just a crack,
Because I feel like such an insomniac,
Que the dreams,
Here I come,
I lay and watch as they are flung,
Out of sight ,
Into the night ,
I lay and lay ,
The wind whistles ,
Suddenly dawn brakes ,
My eyes have fogged up ,
And I know I will have to play along with the day,
The sun floats up,
My mum wakes up ,
She asks what’s wrong ,
I answer,
It was just another bad night.
a poem written by our son today. I think he is really suffering from his dad being so ill. He lost his voice on the same night his dad lost his voice but thankfully he feels ok today and so I hope a weekend away with his aunt and cousin will be good for him. Bless you dearest son you are a very special child of God and Child of mine.

I have to consider further:

Today we discussed the anglican communion. Its strengths and weaknesses.

It was interesting as I did know and understand much of what we discussed but the way that things were put were much clearer than I had read and so I will be able to now reread some books that discuss anglicanism and will be able to consider how things sit in place.

I was asked to think about evangelsim and mission: the difference between the two terms although they are used together. Where I feel I best fit into this discussion both now and in the future.
then I was also asked to prepare as if I were at the Bishops panel for a presentation. I have a form that they would give out and I have to read this through and prepare a five minutes presentation.

It seems I have alot to do this month and I am looking forward to getting started.

First I as the good book says ask Christ that 'I might put my house in order first'!

I am hoping to sit down and work out our finances as we want to send our son to boarding school and have to get a cheque of 500 to the school asap. It is soooo much money but I feel it would be best for him as things are so hard at home and as the council cannot offer him a place in a local school just because they are full.

oh well no moaning.
oao

Last night I led a bible study group as we studied Philippians ch1:27-2:11

It went really well I thought as people had lots of fun and we all chatted and thought about what it means to have an identity worthy of being a heavenly citizen.

I think perhaps the most important thing for me was how simple and practical the message is and asks us to be. Be compassionate, have a tenderhearted, love one another. It also is astonishing that within the sentences you find it asking us to listen to each other, consider each other, encourage each other.

So practical.

When we were studying the messianic message of the gospel (I suppose that is what it would be) we discovered that the law is not as dead as we might have been taught or rather, as we have not been taught the law, we are not in a position to understand the blessing that the law is to us and rather than it being dead it is made alive through Christ who has made its meaning live rather than being a dead law that kills.

I know that I could be hung drawn and quartered for this thought but the truth is that though I do not know the law or practice it I do understand that if I learnt it, it would be a blessing to me rather than a dead instrument that would lead me to know that I am in sin.

I am leaving this post at that as this is such an essential part of my learning that it would be spoilt to add anything else.

I have been struggling to get the house tidy and kept clean and clear so that my husband will be able to feel that there is nothing for us all to moan about after his treatments for cancer. Today I just want to collapse and do my own thing. I want to get done all the study that is rushing through my mind and I want to do all the preparation for my meeting with the DDO in a couple of weeks.

Running a house I wonder how on earth I will be able to actually be out at meetings and services and praying with people and sorting parish paper work and organising people and preparing for sermons and talks and all the other fly by the hoof stuff that will come up when running a parish... I can only say thankfully that is not for another few years!

Someone asked me this week why I felt called to ordination and you know I wish I could give a really succinct and meaningfully deep answer that made me more than others go 'ohhhh yes of course'! but of couse it is not like that for me and those 'wow' moments that I could speak of would probably make people go 'uhhh' rather than 'ohhh'. It always seems to make me sad though and I wish I could just discover what or why that is. sigh.

I was reading today in a blog about the date of christmas. I am so thankful that I have been givent he opportunity to explore Messianic judaism as I feel that the festivals have explained and answered alot for me on the dates and timing of things.

I have read that Jesus was born during hte festival of the tabernacles as this is when the Jews camped outside in rememberance of their journey from Egypt. It is interesing that Jesus was taken to Egypt after his birth.

He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

2 Cor 3: 6

This is the beginning of my gospel. What is the gospel? Here it begins.

I hate actually glib gospel quotes 'christ came to save dah dah dah' I know I could be burnt at the stake but somehow these words just seem to run like water in a smooth stream washing straight over the stream plants that have grown accustomed to the direction of the water.

My mind always turns at the question 'what is your gospel message' I suppose it turns to Christ and asks afresh each time 'well, what is it you were trying to say to those early followers?'

I have not been able to write as we have been very busy trying to get used to a new routine as my husband starts his chemo and radio.

They have decided to do both together as the chemo weakens the cells that the radio is burning off. I admit I know very little about it so my words may not be the best description!

It was amazing that on Monday I said to my dh on our way home from hospital
'if you consider all the blessings God has given us in this time of you being unwell it is like opening a treasure box and all the blessings are there like treasure. So when you feel low just open that box and see what God has done and if you need more just reach out because God has promised you he is with you and you can see he is so look out for the next blessing. Just keep that treasure box near to hand.'

Ashers mum has come to stay with us and she said to me on Tuesday
'Rosanna, I had a strange picture in my prayer, in my mind. It was a box and when we lifted the lid the children were in it (our three children). I was so suprised and scared that they would suffocate. What is the meaning of this I don't know'

I answered her what I had said to Asher and she said but what about the children?
They are his biggest blessing.

Oh we were so amazed. Asher is so delighted to have had our third child and says that she is given from God to help him through this time and keep him laughing and smiling as she is so funny.

So thanks be to God for dreams and interpretation.
I love you Lord, AMEN

THis evening I went to a homegroup where a mother of one of the people in the group had been healed from MS.
It was lovely to hear her speak and she was very realistic and honest.

I am always very sceptical as I have heard many speakers who exagerate and eventually end up lieing about healing. But this ladies experience seems to back up the Biblical healings I find where people turn to God in their healing... It is in healing that God is glorified. this ladies husband had not believed in God and was so turned to God through the whole experience that he now leads homegroups etc...

I am glad I heard her story and praise God for another chance to worship and know his love and power.

good night.

Pseudo You

Today i read a post on a random site I found where the author discussed his trying to push out of his shell and start being himself. he discussed how many people live as pseudo selves rather than being themselves for fear.

I think that rather than living as a pseudo me I live as a half me. I am not fulfilled as I only have time and energy to live as one part of me. In this instance I think that we need to discover how to express our whole selves through what we are able to do with the limits and restrictions that constrain us.

I want to live for God and my whole being serves God each day as I go about my daily chores. i find these chores mundane and often hopeless but I know that in doing them God can be not only glorified but also made known through what I do and this is what inspires me to keep going to the best of my ability.

I know that I need to push through though and find the time and strength to develop myself more so that I have more to offer.
A comment that I found great on the blog is:
Our success was stolen by our own twisted idea that our uniqueness was a liability, not an asset.
to clarify this within my own thinking:
God has made us unique and called us to be who we are. Our uniqueness is not a liability is is an asset. I think that we often become doubtful of our uniqueness, worth and ability when others do not encourage or accept us often due to their own weakness.

It is time for us all to begin seeing ourselves as God sees us and then we can see others as God sees them.

Spending time with people.
Being there for people.
Always holding people before God and God before people.
Always being a step back and allowing thought and reason to form in the forefront of conversation and action.

This is vital when we actually desire to make a difference as an ambassador for Christ.

We are learning to be highly paid members of a nation for whom we are always on duty.

I am thinking about relationships and one of the first things that comes to mind is the issue of boundaries.

I am someone that needs to learn how to set boundaries and stick to them so I thought I would do a bit of research. This is what I have come up with.

This info is taken from a page by easton-snelgrove.com

They discuss Visible & Invisible Boundaries / physical & emotional:

•physical limits are marked by our skin.
•emotional limits by ~ age, roles, our relationships with those around us, our requirements for safety, our choices about how we want to be treated.

I set my physical boundary by choosing:

•who can touch me.
•how and when I am touched.
•I decided how close I'll let people come to me.
•Because I have a reverse gear as well as forward, I can back away from someone who invades my personal zone.

I set my emotional boundary by choosing how I'll let people treat me:

•set limits on what people can say to me;
•healthy, safe expressions of anger, or even rage by people I'm close to are very acceptable;
•inappropriate anger from an inappropriate person is not;
•I determine the range of personal comments I'll accept from others;
•stop sexual comments or remarks from men, e.g., sexist or racist jokes;

This is of course really obvious but I think being reminded and sometimes hearing this for the first time can be 'awakening'. In placing this within the issue of setting boundaries I can use it to think clearly how I can practically set boundaries and be polite but firm in telling people what I will and will not accept.


I also found this comment from joy2meu which I think is helpful on many levels:
The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

I find this interesting because as we let go of outcomes we are actually allowing God to be in charge of outcomes. As caring Christians I think we often hope to 'be Christ' as we help are are part of peoples lives. But it becomes unhealthy because actually we are not setting boundaries and feel guilty if we try to set boundaries. Holding on to the fact that our boundaries need to be set for God to be able have control of the outcome is perhaps a just way of understanding the bigger picture.

Thursday eve Bible study group went really well. It started with a meal and then was led by Chris who made the point that we all belong as part of a community with wider interests but with the Cross as our focus.

Many of the group have lived in the area for a long time and many are part of groups like the wine making club.

I am leading in a couple of weeks as it is about relationships.

Neil Diamonds 'Pretty Amazing Grace' is a song used at this evenings bible study for christians in our village. The evening brought me to a point where I felt Gods amazing grace and knew that thought I may feel inadequate God loves and that is that. It is his story in my life and the hope and grace he gives that draws me on and offers peace and resurrection.

It is interesting that for me this does not come only in some after life dream but in the doing of Gods will in my life here and now.
I can honestly say I am one of those who finds the idea of heaven a bit remote and the idea of salvation and the promise of eternal life uninspiring. Perhaps this is fatally wrong of me and I will be repremanded later on in life. But I know that the call of God in my present day is so strong and that the desire I have to discover God in my life so real that I actually find that enough for me.

I hate being corny but I think very often Christians are! just like when you say 'I love you' to your partner. It maybe cheesy but somehow there are no other words that hit the spot and sometimes you just have to say it like it is.

Today I read about a woman who drove with an 80 yr old pensioner stuck to her windscreen after running her over in Tokyo. When the police arrived at her home after the 23 yr olds boyfriend called in the incident they found the body still attached to the windscreen. the girl said she was so shocked that she did not know what to do.

This has finalised a few thoughts I have had recently about films and IT games which I am sure I do not need to verbalise! Life is just unreal it seems and our reactions in the real world are not as sane or quick as for many they are in games.

Nough said!

Today I have struggled to get all the jobs done in the house and then caring for the baby and my son homeschooling I sit down this evening and reflect in my prayers how little I manage to read Scripture or literature now. I am sure this is how it is for many many people who really want to read but just find that time eludes and by bedtime the eyes fail, the mind is vacant and the heart is weak indeed.

But I must struggle to get a routine going again where no matter what I read at bedtime. So i am going to print of the weeks readings and put them in my bible by my bed and see if that helps. I usually make the excuse that I don't have the readings and iam too tired to study read.

Well here is my hope and and I hope it will be a race I win!

Today remembers Mary Slessor.

Being names Africa's miricle and White Ma she was and is an inspiration to me that if we know our Scripture and lean on the strength and love of God our lives can poured out in a productive way for the Gospel.

I have copied this from: hyperhistory website

The 39 years Mary spent with the people of different regions of Calabar were filled with excitement, disappointment, horror, and joy. Even though she was only 5 feet tall, she stood up to many warriors, chiefs, witch doctors, and murderers. Her adventures varied from healing hundreds of people (including chiefs), rescuing prisoners and/or slaves and wives from being murdered, saving and caring for countless children and babies, witnessing to the most frightening tribes, settling many disputes among tribes and neighbors, assisting chiefs in decisions for their tribe, and sometimes just looking a tribal person in the face and telling them about the love of God. Mary Slessor died, at age 67, January 13th, 1915, of a jungle disease. Her daughter Janie and all her other “children” were there to comfort her. Like Paul (2 Tim. 4:6-8), her life had been poured out for the sake of the gosple.

I went to chat with Mike our Vicar and the discussion was really good.

We are on a level with many thoughts which is great because he has lots to teach me and I think as he is a teacher and obviously can communicate well i am going to learn loads. I hope I can just keep quiet enough for him to talk! I think I will once I am past the initial 'Oh I think that too' stage!

importantly we discussed what I might do in the church and what I feel God is calling me to long term.

I feel what we discussed revealed that Mike is definately a daring man as he asked me to preach in the church on one of the weeks that lay members preach. Hahahaha.

Well I am thinking of doing a date in March and so from now on I will probably be devoting my time to reading around the verses of that sunday! no I promise myself I will not.

But now my diary gets busy. So Lord I devote myself to listening and keeping a watch out for your guidance.

I got really mad today and now I realise that I have the patience of a baby when it comes to people listening. What to do? I think I just have to learn to give up before I get angry!

It reminds me that there is so much in life to do and we so often slide through life hoping it will all be ok. But unless you do it yourself ... you know the saying. Bummer but true so here is me for today just being aggravated. Any lessons to learn? No i am just mad!

I am thinking about Humanism stemming from conversations. It is coupled with thoughts that have been running in my mind about what is it that makes someone not see Christ or begin to seek God. OK we can say that God begins to work within someone and they then begin to seek, but what about this notion that Christ is within all.

Big thoughts but they must surely be grappled with.

The sermon this week made me think about this more:

We live in a world which is 'hard soil' Many have lost faith.

Dishonour, Disrespect, Discord, Disdain.
God offers
favour, acceptance, Happiness, Peace.

A humanist perspective is to respect others so then the meaning and application of the word respect needs to be challenged and upheld because for me respect means to build someone up.

I am beginning to think about the question I was asked to research using the thoughts of others. What are the strengths and weaknesses of the church of england.

It comes as no suprise that many consider its strength to also be its weakness.

Its openness to all weakens its knowledge of who or what it is. (put simply)

Heated by the Spirit of God

Our heating has been broken now for about a week perhaps longer and it is freezing. We can get heating if we empty the water tank.

The cold water tap for the bath has also broken. So this means that to run a bath we fill it with hot water, leave it for about an hour and then it gets to the right temperature to be used! This suits needing to empty the tank for the heating to kick in as one bath and a sink of water, for the washing up, empties the tank. So this morning found me running a bath at 5.45 so that the heating would kick in and as I turned my attention to the kitchen sink I realised how similar this is to us humans with the heat of the Spirit of God.

If we are feeling void of the Spirit of God there is a dimension of us which feels a chill where worship and prayer usually is. For many in this word this is fine especially if we do not believe in God. But for those of us for whom God is a key player and a tangible reality living with out this amazing dimension in our lives creates a void which is uncomfortable.

Perhaps we need like our heating system to empty the tank of water so that the heating system can kick in again. Perhaps we are too busy or perhaps we have not realised that we are not desiring to be moulded and recreated by God. Perhaps we need to seek or ask.

What ever it may be as for me over this last few weeks or months I pray others who are in this same strange and uncomfortable space will find ways to move forward and rediscover the Spirit.