Time

So often I find that I have so many things on my mind that I struggle to complete things. I have found a set of tools which help to focus and complete.

An just as I write this a note that the CRB forms are incomplete comes through which is rediculous as we spent hours making sure all the info was there. Probably the Diocese want more info there form was harder to do that the CRB.
ahhhhhhhh

I sat this morning saying to my son that I need time today to pray and seek God in the matter of my being a Vicar. I just am not sure it is what God wants me to do and I need to seek Him in this before I meet with my DDO on Tuesday and let her know that I am putting this whole thing on hold.

My son sat shaking his head with a screwed up face and said 'yep you should be' I said 'No I need to seek God seriously, I really don't think I should be going forward to be a vicar.' to which he repeated himself so I asked 'why do you say that?' his reply made me laugh so much.

'Your the only person who does not think you should be, your the only person'.

Boy that puts a drain unblocker in my system!

I have had such a hard time recently and I feel so stupid for getting upset, i feel selfish for not being able to cope, i feel like a failure for not doing enough.

If i am not able to keep 'house' now how on earth can i go on and do house, baby, family, study and work placements next year if I go through for training?

I give up and then sense a small determination within that just forces me to ask for Jesus' help. I am sure he gets fed up with this routine I am going through but perhaps I am battling the Mary Martha game.

Yestuday i found myself saying surely that i follow a call from God and serve Him in the community as he leads is more important than housekeeping.

I cannot fathem why it is so hard to study. I find that my mind goes blank when I have time to read and then I have so many things I want to read and prepare I get lost in which one I am doing.

so fustrating also that the books I want to read cost so much and the libraries do not have them.
rosanna

I began to think today about buying a house in new by village which might work well for us, but again this evening I seem to get the impression that God is saying NO.

Again in our family prayers one of the verses came up that I always get when considering this matter.

Luke 10: 1-3.. take no sandel or satchel....

The other I often get is Luke 9:58... though they are related and so close I had not realised until this evening as I checked up because they always come at such different times.

I am off to read the whole passage more carefully and see if I am missing something.

But as it stands I always take it that God is saying life freely and do not get bound by a house as you are not yet where I want you to be.

today I watched Vicar of Dibley and one comment made me sit up and listen.

It was from 'celebrity Vicar' she becomes famous after doing a Pause For Thought. A journalist comes to do a story on her and rather than writing about her he writes about her parishoners. The No No No Brain, and Is this the Smelliest Man in England, and Is this the Moring man in England.

At the PCC meeting the chairman David says 'You let yourself come before your parishoners, have you got anything to say for yourself?' She shakes her head and he says'Then we move on sadly'.

enough said

this evening after school I went to the youth group and again it was great to have them all enjoying themselves. We studied Acts 9 and had the verses 1-19 printed from different versions of the Bible.

We did this to show the guys how the different versions can help us to understand the thought that was being expressed by the original writers. We read about Paul as it is such a famous conversion and conversation I picked up on the point that though we can think we are talking to noone when we talk to God we are actually talking to God and others confirm that very often. In this chapter we find many confirmations that Paul is not imagining.

A great worship evening also.
I feel so privilaged to be apart of this.

Paul probably enraged by Stephens death was consumed with thoughts about it. He surely pondered Stephens peaceful and unafraid manner in which he simply and confidently delivers his soul to God.

I am thinking of this because I am doing a study with young teens about paul this evening and I am just considering how being a Christian effects our manner as we live out our faith. Are we confident and at peace with ourselves and God?

I have been thinking about my last post and mentioning that my suprise would be greater to find an abyse than to find God. But I realise that it is not miracles that proove to us that God exists. I feel far more sure of the times when God has spoken to us than amazing things that happen.

I think this is because amazing things happen to us all in this world. Those who believe in God or not. There is no distinction as the Bible says 'one whom God sends the rain'.

It is when God speaks that I am truely assured and it is those times that I hold on to.

There are so many things to do with children and ways we can organise ourselves so that life is fulfilling and happy but we get so bogged down and tired it is hard to keep going.
I pray for myself and my sisters who are in a similar place to me right now.

Here are some ideas to entertain when you just cant be bothered to move.

jar with water and washing up liquid in. A bubble handle or something which would allow to blow through and make bubbles. i make my mixture shamefully strong but wach out for eyes, don't blow bubbles directly over the kids.

Take out shakers, drums any musical instrument or saucepans, pasta in a small tub with lid on, spoons, wooden spoons, and sing songs.

Take out paper and cut into thin strips have cellotape and glue and allow young one to experiment while trying to get the strips onto different things for example an old egg box can be cut up using the roundie bit to make a spider. then use straws to hand the spidars and your young one will enjoy the mobile. Mima loves spiders but we enjoyed chasing each other with the spiders!


The Grand Old Duke of York, He Had Ten Thousand Men, He marched them up to the top of the hill and he marched them down again. and when they were up they were up and when they were down they were down and when they were only half way up they were neitehr up nor down. see this link for a great way of doing this song

God is amazing, generous and awesome. I never cease to be inspired by the way God shows me so faithfully and gently that He is God and is in my life. I am so weak and frail yet this powerful God manages to speak to me in ways that are so gentle and true.

If there is no God then on the other side of this world when I stand in an abyse I will be more shocked than all the times that God shows me so faithfully that He is God and is in my life. And if I find that there is no conscience after death I will know nothing but the joy having known a God whilst alive on earth.

What has caused me to have such an outburst?!!!

Perhaps the meditation I have been shown over the last few days about being a mother who has been asked to or 'called' into the journey to priesthood is at a close. Maybe not but tonight just before I closed my reading of Richard Giles 'Here I am' this is what I read...

In foster families, of course, one doesn't sit around all day feeling cosseted; there is much to be done, from peeling potatoes to learning consideration, and remembering birthdays, and saying sorry. Foster parents are busy watching out for special gifts and skills, encouraging aptitudes here, redirecting energies there, always bringing out the best.
The Church is no different. Priests are parents who are always on the lookout for special gifts and aptitudes among their spiritual charges. page 98.

This reading did not even follow the pages I was reading it just dropped open at the end of the book which I never do, I never read the end of a book before I work my way through the pages.

I am amazed that God should direct my life and desire me to continue on this path to discover what he wants me to do. I am pray that I learn how to discuss, share and explain myself clearly and with confidence that I humbly feel Gods leading.

I have to challenge Richard Giles on just one comment that he has made in his book 'Here I Am'. He does not agree with the new wording used in the Alternative Service Book which has changed from 'go and make disciples' to 'baptise new disciples'. Now Giles comment is 'If we are not here to make disciples, we might as well return to the life we knew before the selection conference and the ordination exam.

I actually have to raise the point that there is a difference between the roles that have been established by the church over the years between the Deacon and the Priest or presbyter. I see a point in changing the wording and focus of the role because the Church has moved on from the days when the priest did it all. The Priest is now much more a Presbyter. The time of the layman is here. The Body of Christ is beginning to start crawling and with the taking a priest taking a back seat and ensuring that new disciples are Baptised, taught, nurtured, you never know perhaps we will begin to walk and even run as the Body the Christ.

Of course this is not to say that the Presbyter does not have the God given desire and role to make disciples as the Lord leads.

Today at church someone commented 'You have a lovely family, that means alot' This comment comes on top of a comment from my mum that she emailed me after coming for dinner on Friday evening. She wrote You are an accomplished mother, your children are 'You are a very accomplished person. The meal was lovely, the children delightful, the home so comfortable , yes all showed the hand of a competent mother.'

I am not writing this to boost my ego but when my friend mentioned it to me today I wondered if God might be reminding me of something and so I have been thinking and realised that I have put all else aside to concentrate on bringing up my family and devoting time to ensure that they understand life and who they are in this world as best I could.

Then as I chatted throughout the day about this to my dh I realised that when I go the panel I need to be me. I am a mother who has spent time reflecting, dedicating, serving, encouraging, engaging and disparing with my family which has enabled us to be a family I am proud to be apart of.

My dh also said to me 'it is better to be sure of what you have acheived than what you might acheive' and so I will try to be me and hold on that.

I have just had the most wonderful moment. I led communion for our family as we often do on a Sabbath, Friday. My mum and Step father came over and after the readings, song, prayer, communion they told me that I must put all else aside and focus on going forward for ordination.

It was amazing to hear that from them, as I always felt that as long as it was a paid work that I could do then I should go for it. It actually also came after a day when I had sadly been reflecting that people do not support me in the things I know I could do like child care or hotel management or catering etc...

So at the end of a day when I had reflected that family had not ever said 'yes do that you would be great.... my mum and step father say 'yes do that you are being moulded and are becoming, it is not that you could be it is that you are .... this is something you HAVE to do... I can see you leading a service, really I can actually see you leading a service and you have just led us here and it was wonderful it was like seeing you being who Christ wants you to be.' and then my mum said 'and you have a wonderful voice'. Thank you, thank you so much.

If I am ordained this will be a moment that will make that moment very special.

John 15:12-17


Listen to this passage
View commentary related to this passage


12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other.

Many years ago an elder in a church I attended for a good two years said to me 'When I pray for you I think of a shepherd welcoming people in'. A few years later another person who also knows me well and is in full time Christian Ministry said that 'I was called to the ministry of reconciliation'.

A deacon is called to encourage and be outward looking. I feel I am definately called to be outward looking but I am called to look outwardly in an inwardly manner. To encourage and enable the church to be a place that people can invite friends and people to. A place that when others come they meet God, they find a place in which they can recognise God at work.

I on my own will not do a good job and that is why I am constantly glad that it is God who calls and who works through us all doing and living out our calling. i am just a small part and if we all work together for the glory of God through Christ then, then and only then will we discover fruit and beauty and worship with the angels etc..... just a bit of ott there!!

I cannot come to say that I should not be a deacon it is a role in the church that I would love to live out and hope to live out. If I could fulfill the role of a deacon I would be very happy. But I do not feel it is the role that God is calling me to. Why???

I have failed to continue in the David Haywood study as I keep forgetting to do it. I have spent the last week reflecting on the first lesson but not really moving on so I am very disheartened as I feel I am just never going to fit all the extra things I want to get done for myself. I must I must....

I must.
So I think when the chips are down there is only one thing left to do.

Pray.
Lord, please please light in me the spark that enables your people to study more and pray more. Set me on fire to do more than I could do alone and help me achieve so taht I might share the grace and love and wisdom you enable me to have.

I don't want to be greedy I want to be overflowing.
Amen

Considering hearing confessions is important to me.

An important part of my calling is that I feel drawn to being able to hear confession and be in a position to enable those needing absolution to leave with a knowledge that they are forgiven and can begin to live a new life just as Jesus said to so many of those he healed 'Go and sin no more'.

As a deacon you are part of that process and it is essential but I wonder what a deacon would say about their call to hear confession.

It is hard to be with people and not be faced with the knowledge that some you speak to do wish you to hear them in their darkest and wildest thoughts and look for help and clarity. I am sure a deacon is faced with this also.

It seems when considering the role of a Deacon the fact that Jesus obviously lived out this role is enticing. To serve should be a key element of our calling as Christians, yet where to serve is critical as to be wrong would be stiffling and unfruitful.

And so i begin to look at the role of Deacons.

I did look at being a Deacon when I first began this journey of exploration. I felt that perhaps I was called to support the local minister/vicar and work with the people as I feel I am a 'people's person'.


Serving the wider community

deacons are called to put this into practice and make it a 'human reality'. They serve alongside the Bishop and Priest across a diocese enabling, enlightening and encouraging. How cool is that!

I certainly fit in here with my sense of hope and calling to reach out to the community in which I live and to a smaller degree the wider world I also am apt to be involved and notice the marginalised and the needy. Having been involved in care for the Elderly, disabled and self harmers I feel I have some ability to come alongside and perhaps discern ways for the church to support and love when and where able.

The Incumbents Course

I am beginning to admit to myself that being called to the role of a Priest is a particularly unique call and one which calls us to step out in faith with a heart of preparation ready to accept the responsibility.

this thought came after reading a thought from a blogger friend and her picture posted www.iwanttobeavicar.com

Books

Vocation

Being a Priest Today C.Cocksworth and R.Brown
The Life and Work of a Priest J.Pritchard
Ministry and Priesthood A.Redfern
How to Find Your Vocation J.Adair



Mission

Provocative Church G.Tomlin
Mission Shaped Church P.Bayes and T.Sledge
Healthy Churches Guide R.Warren
Evangelism M.Booker and


Spiritual

Why Go To Church Radcliffe
God of Surprises G.Hughes

Church Of England

this evening I chatted with a fellow from our church who has just returned from the Bishops selection panel.

I realised as he spoke that the panel represent a range of traditions in the COE and we come before them to show who we are and as a representation of the COE they identify in us or with us this must be part of diciding our 'fate'!

So what i mean really is that we can only be ourselves because the people who select us and are part of the big process are chosen to be 'a representation' therefore they are different to each other and so can recognise different things in us.

hope that makes sense to you more than it does to me!
rosanna

Why a Priest?

Our direction should always be focused toward God. I have found that when my direction is not focused on God it feels disorientated, like I have missed the most important part of what the day should have been about. I think this is because I know I may have missed being prepared for something or missed doing something that God would have used me for.

I feel I am being called to be alive in the service of God, as we all are but whether I fail or succeed it is in doing God's work and discovering God's way, plan, work that I find I am alive always moving on, maturing, learning and becoming.

I do not mind failing or suffering I do not mind having to change course because it is not ME that I am trying to please, if it were I would have about three franchise businesses by now but it is God alone that I am to follow and seek direction from.

This is one reason why 'priest'. When I seek to find alternatives I am falling out of Gods path for me and I notice it in my spiritual life, home life, relationships, everything. When I say 'Yes OK, then what is the next step' and take it I find it is like bubbles going off inside and they are bouncing around excited.

John Pritchard in his book 'The life and Work of a Priest' p16

'did you truly help to inspire my people to worship and to love?

today I began to realise something that has been on my conscience for a long time. I began to recognise what it means to 'stand inthe gap' This has been a verse which has stood with me for along time and now I begin to place it in the context of being a priest. Rather than a priest standing as Christ within the church a priest stands as the church within Christ.

I wonder what other peoples thoughts are on this and I am going to 'phone a friend and as the audience!'

it is so interesting looking back over past posts and realising how helpful this blogging is. I am going to try and get used to it and use it more, thank you blogspot this has helped my learning and reflecting on what I have learnt so much i might actually yet learn something!

I am taking a radical step.
I am beginning David Heywoods bible in a year course
I am opening a file for each of the criteria for ordination

Now I am going to pray that God brings someone along to whom I can be accountable. I feel I get lost or bored and then busy and sidetracked so I need to make this my priority to do this I need someone who is suitable for me and who will be able to keep me focused.

I have been thinking through my visit to the DDO and she identifies the confidence issue I have. I need to work on this and the only way is for me to put more work in and feel I have actually learnt more and organised things more and that then with reflection I can express my thoughts better as my knowledge and ideas will be more rounded and conclusive.

Put in the work rosi

rosanna

Hebrews 1: 1-3

1In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, 2but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. 3The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word.

Who is Jesus? this is the question and here is the beginning of the answer
'the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being'

it is awesome to comprehend that he 'sustains all things by his powerful word'
that is something to pray and and reflect on.

Priestly Ministry
I am reading John Pritchard 'The Life and Work of a Priest'. At the beginning on page x he writes that he will base his book on the structure of a sentence by Bishop Jack Nicholls ' the only things he had to be concerned with as a priest were the glory of God, the pain of the world and the renewal (repentance) of the Church. John Pritchard then point out that God and the world come before the church...... 'note that God nd the world come before the Church. That seems to me to be an important signal. We serve an astonishing God for the sake of an amazing world; we're not simply church functionaries.

My reaction to this is to disagree because Paul was concerned with the building of the church, Jesus was concerned with sharing the gospel with the Jews, To build up, to enable, to then encourage outreach.

But perhaps what is going to be part of this book is that if we focus on the first two then we get to loose focus on the last one. So I can only think that it must be hard to keep the focus of the world if it does not come first. The end goal should be that we are all outward looking, inwardly reflective, upwardly focused.

So I read on and see where this takes my thoughts and where John Pritchards thoughts are headed also.


update by ch 2 So far many of Pritchard's structure for sentences seem not be in line with the structure he put forward earlier.
pWorship relates primarily to Godsecond to God's gathered people, and third to God's other people' - those not in church or who do not attend regularly.

i was mentioning to the DDO yesturday that my relationship with God has changed since having Mima as i get to spend so much less time in prayer with out something on my mind that needs doing.
i said that this has made me realise that if I go into ministry then my time would be even more taken up and so i have had to learn creative ways to learn and pray.

here are some of those ways:
online:
www.sacredspace.ie
for example their reflection this week is

Jesus' image of the wheatgrain dying, then bearing fruit, symbolises not just our mortal life, but the many times we die a little before our death: with every parting, moving of house or job, loss of a friend or dear one, loss of property. Can I think of any experience of suffering and loss that has borne fruit because of God's grace? How did it happen? To cling to what we have lost is to bury our life in the past. Even the most painful loss can be a new beginning. Lord, when I was suffering pain, and the loss of people and things I loved, I believe you were somehow present to me. Show me how you were.

then they have a prayer for each day.

www.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/cmo-retreat.html
this is an Ignatian retreat online and though it takes along time to read through bits I have done bits very slowly and they are often things that are needed to be thought about and mulled over slowly so it works for busy people who just have a short time to read and then think about in bed before sleeping

here are a number of online devotions I particularly like:
http://www.intothyword.org/
http://www.henrinouwen.org/home/free_eletters/
http://www.taize.fr/en_article1854.html
http://www.taize.fr/en_article5806.html
http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/dailyhomily/

The question I have to explore this month is:
The role of a Priest. I have to form two columns and answer what the role of a priest is and is not...

I don't know how to do columns so here is an above and below!

A Priest is someone who

helps to bring re-alignment of self with God and all God wants for us. (J.Pritchard p13 The Life and work of a Priest uses the word re-alignment in the context of worship but it reminds me that people turn to a priest for many reasons with perhaps many agendas but a priests role is to keep the focus of enabling that 're-alignment' with God. Later on in the book Pritchard uses the term 'God Directedness'.

enables the worship of the church to suit the community.

presiders in an act of worship

seeks to 'representing the people before God and seeking to make God present to God's people 'John Pritchard, life and work of a priest p20'

encourager of prayer

Seeks to 'representing the people before God and seeking to make God present to God's people 'John Pritchard, life and work of a priest p20'

Encourager of prayer

To the Glory of God

Nourisher and rebuker in teaching


Shepherd – can stand alone, straight talking, ‘not hired’, faithful generous of heart and determined,

Proclaimers: (This is where I find it hard to write down the words which describe the calling, but I will as it is from God to those called)
Annointed, Share peace and Good news, Liberty, Year of Lord’s Favour.

a provider

gathers up all the roles in the church

preacher/teacher

intercessor

man of the eucharist

IS NOT
celebrants in an act of worship J.prichard p15
A lone Rander

i have been unable to write as i have been so tired and busy.

Brownies is taking up loads of time as i have just taken over the pack and there is so much organising to do.

But I have also been really tired. Mima now 18months is not sleeping so well and when she does i still wake up!

I am really rather depressed because of tiredness and no money to go and do things with her.

Never mind, I am praying about the finances and other than a lottery win I am hoping our spending will be able to reduce, but the lawn mower broke, borrowed one and that broke! the car is obviously needing something done which even if it is cheap we don't have the cash to pay.

But I know God will provide and help, somehow, something always just works out to help, not quiet cover it all but help keep us ticking on reserves!

Mission

Here is the question

write about an aspect of criterion H for which you feel/think you have a particular vocation.

Well it is just very 'obvious to write about nurture of new believers' though I have altered this to be new and weathered believers! I am really wondering how I can engage with this question within a 700 limit sharing about other aspects.

I have to reflect theologically and be accessible and stimulating. Oh boy!

It is so good to hear that the Anglican Covenant is being sent out to all member churchs and that from this point we can as a communion begin to work on our relationships and understandings of each other.

It is so hard to face the future when the essence of our very being feels like it is under a surgeons knife. It is very well to be firm in ones belief and this is to be admired but without love it is nothing just a resounding gong as one would say. It undermines and at the very worse risks the spiritual life of another, which is thus nothing short of murder.

I say this because the passage from James about taming the tongue is based on the thought that is close the Jewish heart. If one damages another’s response or journey with God then that is on par with murder.

The Anglican covenant aims to enable us to start working on our relationaships, building our trust and helping us to be responsible to and for each other. This is so exciting and if people are prepared to take this on and work with each other with any gusto how amazing it will be.

As a simple lay member of the congregation who is continually baffled at how complex life as a member of Christ’s family can get I am hopeful at this stage that there are opportunities being set out for us to learn more about how we can know where and perhaps how we stand together and that there are people who can see we can ‘intensify our fellowship and our trust’ (Archbishop Rowan Williams,
http://www.archbishopofcanterbury.org/2802)

I really hope we will be able to read this document as I have always wanted to learn much more about what we hold in common as a communion. The Covenant sets out a basis on which the Anglican family works, prays, live and hopes and this sounds like something that should encourage and enable us to work together and rejoice in our diversity and ability to learn and grow closer to Christ through our discussion.

five marks of mission

■proclamation of the good news
■teaching and nurturing of new believers
■responding to human need by loving service
■seeking to transform unjust structures in society
■caring for creation

Lord, I how does my failing come across to you? When I am lazy, angry, selfish or deliberatly forgetful are you disappointed?
Forgiveness I know can be sought and refreshment gained, but am I just to unaware to realise what is at stake?
Lord Open My Eyes and help me to see
Open my Ears and help me to hear
Open my heart and help me to feel
Open my mind and help me to understand.

Amen.

I have often thought that mission is God's Job not ours. But now I am beginning to read this from official sources it is not as exciting as I thought. Let me share my thoughts and see where it goes.

I feel that mission is Gods job. He is the one who created us, made us who we are, enables us to be where we are and has a plan for what we do. So then our direction comes from God and is for God. It is like being part of a football team. They see our potential and invest and train and then set us in the game, but they tell us the plan of action and as a team we work together to win the game.

So when I think of mission of course I think of God and listen watch and wait.

It is also Gods reputation on the line so i expect God to do something. If there is nothin then usually a gentle step by step approach to things is good as doors open and close. I have found that the Holy Spirit is not like a resounding gong - i suppose he would not be as love comes right in there. So then I need to be sensitive and delicate as I pray and recognise what and where God is working and where I should be doing my thing!

Yesturday I went to a home of a Christian who works with youth. I had unknowingly met his wife the day before when dropping our son off for a youth camp he was attending. I was amazed that he lived in a home which I pass every day and am drawn to with a sense of 'homeliness'. it is a small end of terrace asthetically nothing to write home about but something draws me so often to think 'what a lovely home'. How suprised was I to discover who lives there.

Later I read
Richard Baxter notes 'The world is better able to read the nature of religion in a man's life than in the Bible'.

'When people brush against the holy they are never quite the same afterwards. Perhaps it is only in a fleeting encounter, but htey have met someone who stands for another world, a different set of values that are strangely compelling. They have sensed another way of ordering life and, for a moment everything seemed to make sense, to fit into place. In this person something of the divine could be sensed, and it felt good to be in touch with such deep reserves of affirmation and love.'

(Being A Priest Today, Christopher Cocksworth and Rosalind Brown)

If this is what happened when I passed Steves homes then it was something of the something of the divine which drew me. If the worship of God can make and impact through the home as I pass in the car, if the love and worship of God can enlightened the world somehow even from a home then how much more must it be true from us humans. When we meet with God that grace shines out and is there to be experienced by others.

I read this to Asher and told him which encouraged him to make sure we had our family Bible study. Which was a reading from John 19: 1-11. The comment was 'When someone has higher values do we join in with others and laugh at them or do we stand with them and join them in doing right and turning to God'.

I do love it when things all seem to point to a daily dose of God pointing something out.

Peter Do You Love Me? Yes, Then Feed My Sheep.

We all have the ministry of being holy, Luther stressed that holiness is lived out in ordinary life, doing ordinary things. Rowan Williams writes 'A human being is holy, not because he or she triumphs by will power over chaos and guilt and leads a flawless life, but because that life shows the victory of God's faithfulness in the midst of disorder and imperfection.' (A Ray of Darkness, p114-115)

I have just discovered Expresso.

Sounds crazy really, but I have resisted expresso imagining it to be far too strong and far too small! but this morning I wanted both a hot chocolate and a coffee and could not face two cups of liquid and I did not want them adulterated by mixing them!

So I risked letting the coffee perculate in the single cup coffee strainer with a tiny amount of hot water and then when I was ready I went back and added a large dash of milk, I think they call it a macchiato. I added one teaspoon of brown sugar and ...

... ohhh the smoothness and richness is divine. To be honest it made me realise that the coffee i usually make is nothing in comparison.

The obvious conclusion here is that if we have a watered down relationship with Christ it is very much like this experience I had this morning, but I wont do that honest!

this is such an amazing text:

Ephesians 2:
11 Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called "uncircumcised" by those who call themselves "the circumcision"
[...]

14 For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, 15by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, 16and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. 17He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.

I was recently asked what is your gospel message. I wonder if the passages that God has directed my thoughts toward are coming together to simply give me an understanding of the gospel.

I keep meditating on John 2:12-25; john 3

unexpected opportunities

psalm 120, 121, 122
Exodus 1:22-2:10; Hebrews 8

I can imagine the Princes standing by the waters edge. Her reaching out and takng holdof this gift from the gods. It is considered that this princess was Hatshepsut the daughter of Raamses the 2nd and wife to Thutmose the 2nd. She was unable to have children so her husband had taken another wife who bore a son.

There are so many opportunities that come our way unexpectantly we need to be ready to take them and trust God will guide our way and be with us.

The Psalm is beautiful
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Son did really well at school and loves it. I am really glad that he is settling and has been accepted to this school. Thank you God for blessing us so much.

My Son starts school on thursday.

I am not worried really about it as I know he will cope being so strong of mind. I am concerned that he will meet good friends and pray that he gets into the right set.

rethinking mission doc

1 Mission lies in the nature and work of God
“All our mission springs from the action and self-revelation of God in Jesus Christ... our call to mission and evangelism [is] grounded in the very nature of the God who is revealed to us”.


2 Centrality of Jesus
'We look to the life, death and resurrection of Jesus to see how God is saving his world, calling us to respond and to join with him. Our response is not so much church-sponsored programmes to increase the number of Christians and / or to change the world, but more to be drawn into that life, death and resurrection of Jesus so that we become part of what God is doing. This, through the work of the Holy Spirit, then informs the direction and gives us the passion to speak and to act.'
“As Anglicans we are called to participate in God’s mission in the world, by embracing respectful evangelism, loving service and prophetic witness. As we do so in all our varied contexts, we bear witness to and follow Jesus Christ, the crucified and risen Saviour”, says TEAC, the Theological Education in the Anglican Communion working group. iv

The Marriage Course Day was an inspiration to me. Until this day I have always wondered how I will on earth manage to fit being a vicar ontop of all the things I have to do in the home.

Well I felt so invigarated that I came home feeling refreshed and able to do things in a very different light.

I am even more convinced now that this is the right path for me.

thinking about the difference between mission and evangelism

Mission is Gods call to us all to be a sign, to be a living reflection of his love, peace, hope and unity.

Mission is God's continued creating relationship with mankind lived out in his people.

This is why I feel Jesus was so angry at the Temple and the leaders.... they had hindered the creative relationship of God with his people.

Mission is Gods plan to reconcile - to be known and to be involved

mission is a deep hearted call to our souls to know God and make him known to others. To share more and more so that we may all be blessed.

considering the difference between Mission and Evangelism.

Why is mission so important and considered so central the Christian faith.....

Because we know our God to be a God of relationship. To be a God who has continually been involved with mankind. We are part of this creating God's plan a plan created for us to be known and know God.

So this is a mission God and we are wrapped up in this mission plan. As we come to know God we come to be apart of the understanding of this missional plan of God. The more we know and seek the more we understand and become part of the missional relationship of God.

Morning Prayer
Psalm 73; Genesis 41.46-42 Genesis 5; Galatians 4.8-20


I am sticking with the psalm as it suits my thoughts and answers so many deep emotions for me right now. Asher is so strong fighting this chemo and radio pain and intrusion. but is always throws up loads of other things that life throws at you while you are dealing with cancer also.

I know God is with us and I can praise him amazingly for that.


Evening Prayer
Psalms 74;Jeremiah 5.1-19; John 5.19-29

I am so tired. I am glad it is at the end of my husbands radio and chemo treatment. It is so tiring and draining. It is horrid to see him in so much pain. I think I need to make sure we have a really special weekend though I am away helping on a marriage course. Perhaps our Sabbath could be really special with a little gift or something. ummm something that does not cost much as I am also sorting out our finances and it is horrid!

I have had no time to read really but I get small glimpses and I have been trying to read Graham Tomlins evangelism book. It has helped me with my understanding of the gospel.

It has been explaining the Temple system and a few thoughts enlightened me.
1. The court yard was open to all including the Gentiles but they were excluded from the next area within the temple which is where only Jews could go. Women were then excluded from the next area were only Jewish men could go. Then the men were excluded from the next area where only priests could go and then they were excluded from the next area, the Holy of Holies were only One priest could go once a year. Tomlin points out that the jewish religion had become one of exclusion which is not what God had wanted. Separation perhaps but not exlusion. Jesus came to open up this whole system and I realised that people went to the temple to be with God yet could not actually go into the Holy of Holies... But through Christ we can.

Jesus had over turned the tables in John 2 and Mark 11 I think saying this is my fathers house 'a house of prayer'. It really struck me how we do not treat prayer with enough faith, belief, hope, expectancy, reverence or depth.

If Jesus has enabled us to enter the Holy of Holies and enabled us to stand right there and ask, listen, understand then boy we are so privilaged. I know in my prayers I do often feel that God is so close and it is so awesome, but then life engulfs and I plod along like Martha.

Morning Prayer
Psalms 71; Genesis 41.25-45; Galatians 3.23-4.7

Evening Prayer
Psalms 12, 13; Jeremiah 4.19-end; John 5.1-18


The psalm this morning I could claim as my own. It struck me that we can call to God for protection and to be saved and to be given life. I so often feel that I should not be selfish to ask these things as they may not be God's will and I should first seek his will. But here David crys out
'O God, you have taught me from my earliest childhood,
and I constantly tell others about the wonderful things you do.
18 Now that I am old and gray,
do not abandon me, O God.'

It is such an amazing psalm.


'God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children.'

I am reminded of John 2. In the Temple Jesus showed his anger at the Temple system by up turning the tables of money changers and drove out those who sold doves.

Christ became our coinage and so I can imagine seeing the act of Scriptural Repentance become a system I can understand his anger and recognition that he needed to disturb peoples thinking about all this. I am sure he knew this final task that God had placed him here to die as the final sacrifice of mankind that we may gain full understanding of life and God and be free to know God fully.

been away so long and it feels like it. I am been busy moving house and then asher got his cancer returned so months of operations and now chemo and radio. At last we are in the last week and I feel like I can start to swim again.. perhaps a long way from shore still but the initial shock of the depth of the ocean and the coldness of the sea has passed!

I hope i can begin to share daily thoughts again.

Nightmares can make you believe in things which aren’t true,
They scare me so much,
I yell to my parents,
Leave my door open just a crack,
Because I feel like such an insomniac,
Que the dreams,
Here I come,
I lay and watch as they are flung,
Out of sight ,
Into the night ,
I lay and lay ,
The wind whistles ,
Suddenly dawn brakes ,
My eyes have fogged up ,
And I know I will have to play along with the day,
The sun floats up,
My mum wakes up ,
She asks what’s wrong ,
I answer,
It was just another bad night.
a poem written by our son today. I think he is really suffering from his dad being so ill. He lost his voice on the same night his dad lost his voice but thankfully he feels ok today and so I hope a weekend away with his aunt and cousin will be good for him. Bless you dearest son you are a very special child of God and Child of mine.

I have to consider further:

Today we discussed the anglican communion. Its strengths and weaknesses.

It was interesting as I did know and understand much of what we discussed but the way that things were put were much clearer than I had read and so I will be able to now reread some books that discuss anglicanism and will be able to consider how things sit in place.

I was asked to think about evangelsim and mission: the difference between the two terms although they are used together. Where I feel I best fit into this discussion both now and in the future.
then I was also asked to prepare as if I were at the Bishops panel for a presentation. I have a form that they would give out and I have to read this through and prepare a five minutes presentation.

It seems I have alot to do this month and I am looking forward to getting started.

First I as the good book says ask Christ that 'I might put my house in order first'!

I am hoping to sit down and work out our finances as we want to send our son to boarding school and have to get a cheque of 500 to the school asap. It is soooo much money but I feel it would be best for him as things are so hard at home and as the council cannot offer him a place in a local school just because they are full.

oh well no moaning.
oao

Last night I led a bible study group as we studied Philippians ch1:27-2:11

It went really well I thought as people had lots of fun and we all chatted and thought about what it means to have an identity worthy of being a heavenly citizen.

I think perhaps the most important thing for me was how simple and practical the message is and asks us to be. Be compassionate, have a tenderhearted, love one another. It also is astonishing that within the sentences you find it asking us to listen to each other, consider each other, encourage each other.

So practical.

When we were studying the messianic message of the gospel (I suppose that is what it would be) we discovered that the law is not as dead as we might have been taught or rather, as we have not been taught the law, we are not in a position to understand the blessing that the law is to us and rather than it being dead it is made alive through Christ who has made its meaning live rather than being a dead law that kills.

I know that I could be hung drawn and quartered for this thought but the truth is that though I do not know the law or practice it I do understand that if I learnt it, it would be a blessing to me rather than a dead instrument that would lead me to know that I am in sin.

I am leaving this post at that as this is such an essential part of my learning that it would be spoilt to add anything else.

I have been struggling to get the house tidy and kept clean and clear so that my husband will be able to feel that there is nothing for us all to moan about after his treatments for cancer. Today I just want to collapse and do my own thing. I want to get done all the study that is rushing through my mind and I want to do all the preparation for my meeting with the DDO in a couple of weeks.

Running a house I wonder how on earth I will be able to actually be out at meetings and services and praying with people and sorting parish paper work and organising people and preparing for sermons and talks and all the other fly by the hoof stuff that will come up when running a parish... I can only say thankfully that is not for another few years!

Someone asked me this week why I felt called to ordination and you know I wish I could give a really succinct and meaningfully deep answer that made me more than others go 'ohhhh yes of course'! but of couse it is not like that for me and those 'wow' moments that I could speak of would probably make people go 'uhhh' rather than 'ohhh'. It always seems to make me sad though and I wish I could just discover what or why that is. sigh.

I was reading today in a blog about the date of christmas. I am so thankful that I have been givent he opportunity to explore Messianic judaism as I feel that the festivals have explained and answered alot for me on the dates and timing of things.

I have read that Jesus was born during hte festival of the tabernacles as this is when the Jews camped outside in rememberance of their journey from Egypt. It is interesing that Jesus was taken to Egypt after his birth.

He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

2 Cor 3: 6

This is the beginning of my gospel. What is the gospel? Here it begins.

I hate actually glib gospel quotes 'christ came to save dah dah dah' I know I could be burnt at the stake but somehow these words just seem to run like water in a smooth stream washing straight over the stream plants that have grown accustomed to the direction of the water.

My mind always turns at the question 'what is your gospel message' I suppose it turns to Christ and asks afresh each time 'well, what is it you were trying to say to those early followers?'

I have not been able to write as we have been very busy trying to get used to a new routine as my husband starts his chemo and radio.

They have decided to do both together as the chemo weakens the cells that the radio is burning off. I admit I know very little about it so my words may not be the best description!

It was amazing that on Monday I said to my dh on our way home from hospital
'if you consider all the blessings God has given us in this time of you being unwell it is like opening a treasure box and all the blessings are there like treasure. So when you feel low just open that box and see what God has done and if you need more just reach out because God has promised you he is with you and you can see he is so look out for the next blessing. Just keep that treasure box near to hand.'

Ashers mum has come to stay with us and she said to me on Tuesday
'Rosanna, I had a strange picture in my prayer, in my mind. It was a box and when we lifted the lid the children were in it (our three children). I was so suprised and scared that they would suffocate. What is the meaning of this I don't know'

I answered her what I had said to Asher and she said but what about the children?
They are his biggest blessing.

Oh we were so amazed. Asher is so delighted to have had our third child and says that she is given from God to help him through this time and keep him laughing and smiling as she is so funny.

So thanks be to God for dreams and interpretation.
I love you Lord, AMEN

THis evening I went to a homegroup where a mother of one of the people in the group had been healed from MS.
It was lovely to hear her speak and she was very realistic and honest.

I am always very sceptical as I have heard many speakers who exagerate and eventually end up lieing about healing. But this ladies experience seems to back up the Biblical healings I find where people turn to God in their healing... It is in healing that God is glorified. this ladies husband had not believed in God and was so turned to God through the whole experience that he now leads homegroups etc...

I am glad I heard her story and praise God for another chance to worship and know his love and power.

good night.

Pseudo You

Today i read a post on a random site I found where the author discussed his trying to push out of his shell and start being himself. he discussed how many people live as pseudo selves rather than being themselves for fear.

I think that rather than living as a pseudo me I live as a half me. I am not fulfilled as I only have time and energy to live as one part of me. In this instance I think that we need to discover how to express our whole selves through what we are able to do with the limits and restrictions that constrain us.

I want to live for God and my whole being serves God each day as I go about my daily chores. i find these chores mundane and often hopeless but I know that in doing them God can be not only glorified but also made known through what I do and this is what inspires me to keep going to the best of my ability.

I know that I need to push through though and find the time and strength to develop myself more so that I have more to offer.
A comment that I found great on the blog is:
Our success was stolen by our own twisted idea that our uniqueness was a liability, not an asset.
to clarify this within my own thinking:
God has made us unique and called us to be who we are. Our uniqueness is not a liability is is an asset. I think that we often become doubtful of our uniqueness, worth and ability when others do not encourage or accept us often due to their own weakness.

It is time for us all to begin seeing ourselves as God sees us and then we can see others as God sees them.

Spending time with people.
Being there for people.
Always holding people before God and God before people.
Always being a step back and allowing thought and reason to form in the forefront of conversation and action.

This is vital when we actually desire to make a difference as an ambassador for Christ.

We are learning to be highly paid members of a nation for whom we are always on duty.

I am thinking about relationships and one of the first things that comes to mind is the issue of boundaries.

I am someone that needs to learn how to set boundaries and stick to them so I thought I would do a bit of research. This is what I have come up with.

This info is taken from a page by easton-snelgrove.com

They discuss Visible & Invisible Boundaries / physical & emotional:

•physical limits are marked by our skin.
•emotional limits by ~ age, roles, our relationships with those around us, our requirements for safety, our choices about how we want to be treated.

I set my physical boundary by choosing:

•who can touch me.
•how and when I am touched.
•I decided how close I'll let people come to me.
•Because I have a reverse gear as well as forward, I can back away from someone who invades my personal zone.

I set my emotional boundary by choosing how I'll let people treat me:

•set limits on what people can say to me;
•healthy, safe expressions of anger, or even rage by people I'm close to are very acceptable;
•inappropriate anger from an inappropriate person is not;
•I determine the range of personal comments I'll accept from others;
•stop sexual comments or remarks from men, e.g., sexist or racist jokes;

This is of course really obvious but I think being reminded and sometimes hearing this for the first time can be 'awakening'. In placing this within the issue of setting boundaries I can use it to think clearly how I can practically set boundaries and be polite but firm in telling people what I will and will not accept.


I also found this comment from joy2meu which I think is helpful on many levels:
The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

I find this interesting because as we let go of outcomes we are actually allowing God to be in charge of outcomes. As caring Christians I think we often hope to 'be Christ' as we help are are part of peoples lives. But it becomes unhealthy because actually we are not setting boundaries and feel guilty if we try to set boundaries. Holding on to the fact that our boundaries need to be set for God to be able have control of the outcome is perhaps a just way of understanding the bigger picture.

Thursday eve Bible study group went really well. It started with a meal and then was led by Chris who made the point that we all belong as part of a community with wider interests but with the Cross as our focus.

Many of the group have lived in the area for a long time and many are part of groups like the wine making club.

I am leading in a couple of weeks as it is about relationships.

Neil Diamonds 'Pretty Amazing Grace' is a song used at this evenings bible study for christians in our village. The evening brought me to a point where I felt Gods amazing grace and knew that thought I may feel inadequate God loves and that is that. It is his story in my life and the hope and grace he gives that draws me on and offers peace and resurrection.

It is interesting that for me this does not come only in some after life dream but in the doing of Gods will in my life here and now.
I can honestly say I am one of those who finds the idea of heaven a bit remote and the idea of salvation and the promise of eternal life uninspiring. Perhaps this is fatally wrong of me and I will be repremanded later on in life. But I know that the call of God in my present day is so strong and that the desire I have to discover God in my life so real that I actually find that enough for me.

I hate being corny but I think very often Christians are! just like when you say 'I love you' to your partner. It maybe cheesy but somehow there are no other words that hit the spot and sometimes you just have to say it like it is.

Today I read about a woman who drove with an 80 yr old pensioner stuck to her windscreen after running her over in Tokyo. When the police arrived at her home after the 23 yr olds boyfriend called in the incident they found the body still attached to the windscreen. the girl said she was so shocked that she did not know what to do.

This has finalised a few thoughts I have had recently about films and IT games which I am sure I do not need to verbalise! Life is just unreal it seems and our reactions in the real world are not as sane or quick as for many they are in games.

Nough said!

Today I have struggled to get all the jobs done in the house and then caring for the baby and my son homeschooling I sit down this evening and reflect in my prayers how little I manage to read Scripture or literature now. I am sure this is how it is for many many people who really want to read but just find that time eludes and by bedtime the eyes fail, the mind is vacant and the heart is weak indeed.

But I must struggle to get a routine going again where no matter what I read at bedtime. So i am going to print of the weeks readings and put them in my bible by my bed and see if that helps. I usually make the excuse that I don't have the readings and iam too tired to study read.

Well here is my hope and and I hope it will be a race I win!

Today remembers Mary Slessor.

Being names Africa's miricle and White Ma she was and is an inspiration to me that if we know our Scripture and lean on the strength and love of God our lives can poured out in a productive way for the Gospel.

I have copied this from: hyperhistory website

The 39 years Mary spent with the people of different regions of Calabar were filled with excitement, disappointment, horror, and joy. Even though she was only 5 feet tall, she stood up to many warriors, chiefs, witch doctors, and murderers. Her adventures varied from healing hundreds of people (including chiefs), rescuing prisoners and/or slaves and wives from being murdered, saving and caring for countless children and babies, witnessing to the most frightening tribes, settling many disputes among tribes and neighbors, assisting chiefs in decisions for their tribe, and sometimes just looking a tribal person in the face and telling them about the love of God. Mary Slessor died, at age 67, January 13th, 1915, of a jungle disease. Her daughter Janie and all her other “children” were there to comfort her. Like Paul (2 Tim. 4:6-8), her life had been poured out for the sake of the gosple.

I went to chat with Mike our Vicar and the discussion was really good.

We are on a level with many thoughts which is great because he has lots to teach me and I think as he is a teacher and obviously can communicate well i am going to learn loads. I hope I can just keep quiet enough for him to talk! I think I will once I am past the initial 'Oh I think that too' stage!

importantly we discussed what I might do in the church and what I feel God is calling me to long term.

I feel what we discussed revealed that Mike is definately a daring man as he asked me to preach in the church on one of the weeks that lay members preach. Hahahaha.

Well I am thinking of doing a date in March and so from now on I will probably be devoting my time to reading around the verses of that sunday! no I promise myself I will not.

But now my diary gets busy. So Lord I devote myself to listening and keeping a watch out for your guidance.

I got really mad today and now I realise that I have the patience of a baby when it comes to people listening. What to do? I think I just have to learn to give up before I get angry!

It reminds me that there is so much in life to do and we so often slide through life hoping it will all be ok. But unless you do it yourself ... you know the saying. Bummer but true so here is me for today just being aggravated. Any lessons to learn? No i am just mad!

I am thinking about Humanism stemming from conversations. It is coupled with thoughts that have been running in my mind about what is it that makes someone not see Christ or begin to seek God. OK we can say that God begins to work within someone and they then begin to seek, but what about this notion that Christ is within all.

Big thoughts but they must surely be grappled with.

The sermon this week made me think about this more:

We live in a world which is 'hard soil' Many have lost faith.

Dishonour, Disrespect, Discord, Disdain.
God offers
favour, acceptance, Happiness, Peace.

A humanist perspective is to respect others so then the meaning and application of the word respect needs to be challenged and upheld because for me respect means to build someone up.

I am beginning to think about the question I was asked to research using the thoughts of others. What are the strengths and weaknesses of the church of england.

It comes as no suprise that many consider its strength to also be its weakness.

Its openness to all weakens its knowledge of who or what it is. (put simply)

Heated by the Spirit of God

Our heating has been broken now for about a week perhaps longer and it is freezing. We can get heating if we empty the water tank.

The cold water tap for the bath has also broken. So this means that to run a bath we fill it with hot water, leave it for about an hour and then it gets to the right temperature to be used! This suits needing to empty the tank for the heating to kick in as one bath and a sink of water, for the washing up, empties the tank. So this morning found me running a bath at 5.45 so that the heating would kick in and as I turned my attention to the kitchen sink I realised how similar this is to us humans with the heat of the Spirit of God.

If we are feeling void of the Spirit of God there is a dimension of us which feels a chill where worship and prayer usually is. For many in this word this is fine especially if we do not believe in God. But for those of us for whom God is a key player and a tangible reality living with out this amazing dimension in our lives creates a void which is uncomfortable.

Perhaps we need like our heating system to empty the tank of water so that the heating system can kick in again. Perhaps we are too busy or perhaps we have not realised that we are not desiring to be moulded and recreated by God. Perhaps we need to seek or ask.

What ever it may be as for me over this last few weeks or months I pray others who are in this same strange and uncomfortable space will find ways to move forward and rediscover the Spirit.

I have been so encouraged. since my last post we decided to sit down in the evenings and have a prayer and study time with the kids. it went so well I had to be amazed not only encouraged.

The children actually came and asked if they could read to us because a cool book '50 of the Wierdest Bible Stories' had given them half the story and they had to read the other half from the bible.

We all sat down and hence were able to do the study that we had planned for the period from Christmas day through the 6th Jan.
We decided we would use the Catholic song 'The Twelve Nights of Christmas' .... My true love sent to me...

It has been a fruitful study and well recomended to anyone.

The children have been taken up their aunts and so we are left with baby mima and a messy messy house. We have taken time to tidy and to sort out the finances.

We have debts that we are trying very lazily to sort out and this year really needs to be the year we get it sorted. It is not that we spend too much it is that we purchase things without planning and saving and this includes things like the window replacements, kitchen etc when we were moving house.

We have also realised that we have not had the time to sit down together and really sort out where we want things to go and how we are getting things done. We seemt o just let life take us along its path and then hope that we can bring the children up in a way that is not too far from our hopes for them.

We have realised that this is really not working and we need to come up with a better plan.
stand strong on a decision especially if we feel the Holy Spirit is guiding that decision... Recognise that we need to pray as we make decisions where we feel the Holy Spirit maybe involved.

Have regular times for family prayer and Sabbath as we have been sporadic.

Ensure that the kids both study each evening and we are involved with their studies.

have a regular meal plan to save money

spend more time having fun with the kids

pocket money and banking plans

I did a talk for the crib service which did not go as I had planned. But I can only hope that for some a message sparked a thought which God may prick for his glory.

I need to practice talking and doing 'sermons' but it is difficult to get time. I wonder how others do this. I feel that with time and practice I will be ok, which is a good thing!

This is what I hope actually came across:What was actually said:

We have made these lanterns and they can hopefully hang on your Christmas trees as a reminder of what we have been thinking about this evening. We hope that the Light of Jesus, the light that Jesus can give our lives will be with us this Christmas.

It can get so busy with making the Christmas dinner, the clearing up, the snacks and all the other things that go on with all the stress that we end up not having the Joy and the peace we hoped and looked forward to all this time. We gear up for this one day and then it passes without us actually having any peace or joy, we miss the kids opening their presents.

We hope really that you as families will support and help each other this Christmas so that you can spend time together. Jesus is that light that can help and be there with you even if you are spending Christmas alone, no matter what stresses or what Christmas may be for you this year we hope that– the real meaning of Christmas, the life and light of Jesus, will be with you.

When we were in Norhtern Ireland we were guided by God we feel to read the Old Testament in the light of its meaning to the Jews. So we spent time trying to discover what meaning the Jewish people took from books, chapters and verses.

It was a wondrful time and what we learned will continue to be our aim and foundation in our family life.

The Sabbath being one of the most cherished parts of our week.

Asher and I have been talking tonight as I was asked by the DDO what would your gospel message be if someone asked. My reply was I don't have a gospel message as such.

This is because i feel that it is not my gospel message it is God who has a message and we are those who know and love him. So my message has to be that which God is speaking. And to whom I am speaking.

So I think that as asher said if someone asks this of you your best answer is 'I am my gospel message. I do not have my gospel message as I am not God. It cannot be my message and though I am a rough picture and one in the making I am part of Gods gospel message.

Asher and I are thinking over our times in the various places that we have lived and worshipped.

something I want to really remember is that:

we enjoyed being part of the Baptist fellowship so much. One aspect I really appreciated while with them is that they always approached the family rather than the individual in a family.

I thank the Baptist fellowship so much for all they have gaven us in the different areas of the country in which have lived. I hope to take all they have given us and hope to continue to reflect on what we have learnt.

Creativity
Children's work
prophecy
fellowship
preaching
women in ministry
activity of all members in life of church in community.

Not getting to church today I read through in the Church times by Martin Warner. he mentions that the media are able to judge people without actually taking responsibility for their words face to face.

I am placing this into the context of the family, both extended and nuclear. We can find the family situation either a wonderful and blessed haven or a tense and fragile see-saw. Perhaps part of the makeup of families is that our human desire to judge is so raw with those who know us so well. From my experience family members though they do know you well often miss very important aspects of our character and make up.

Perhaps is is partly this that moves us to judge and allow our opinions and 'wisdom' be known.

Jesus said about his own family 'I do not have a family' he said about his good friend 'get behind me satan'. He certainly did not mix his words. Of course we need to watch what we say and when we say it but surely then it is our behaviour also that needs to be slow and kind and respectful especially around family. Hard though it may be it is a lesson I need to learn.

Judge as others would judge you.

The Mahmoods:
Thank you to Badri and Ruhamah for hospitality and care.
with love

An experience vs Being Quietly Bold

I went to a coffee shop this week that I thought was going to have some Christian books. I went to look for Christmas gifts. It was a shame that though I think it was christian run there were no christian books it was all rather materialistic useless stuff. It got me thinking how often we dub down our faith so that people will 'enter'.

It reminds me of 'Why Go To Church' somewhere Radcliffe mentions that our society is now an 'experience' culture. We do not just go shopping we want a 'shopping experience'. When thinking like this how easy is it for us to try and get an 'experience' for people.

I am suddenly faced with a myriad of ideas for events things I would love to do but then I realise that this is not what I would like to produce at all. In fact I realise that if I were a producer then perhaps I would try but as it is I am best in my lounge praying and learning about how I can be bold from my own faith and experience rather than trying to meet a need in a culture that I am not sure is a lasting trend.

Whether it a lasting trend or not I feel that to be quietly bold and ready to spend time with people is better than producing 'experiences' that attract people.

I have always found it very odd that Christians look at nature and consider that its awesomeness reflects God and that in turn tells everyone about God. I have just not connected with this idea at all. Yes I delight in nature and as a Christian I give joy and thanks to God and perhaps with some effort I could meditate and find God in everything. But to think that nature thus tells everyone about God and that somehow they deny God because they know him through nature just does not resonate with me at all.

I once went to a led quiet day where the leader used photos and facts about cells to help us wonder at God.. This was an amazing day and helped me but I still do not see that it would necessarily help a non believer/non christian (or what ever one may label ones self as) believe or recognise God.

As Christians look at nature and worship God for creation, perhaps then we worship the wonderfully created human being. My concern then it is that it is easy to sit back and view ourselves as a wonderfully created beings and in doing this we are able to fact loose the reality of human nature and the responsibility we can very easily set aside.

How does my life reflect something different that others recognise as something, attractive and perhaps from God or inspired by God?

Not only this but if my life does reflect something different then does this inspire in others a strong enough reaction that they want to dig deeper?

To be very honest I have to answer I don't think so.

Yes people may sometimes see something that is attractive and different, but it is not deep enough or consistent enough that it is inspiring.

I suppose then this has to be my prayer and my challenge - that God will mould me and make me into something that he has designed.

Spirituality

Asher and I were discussing spirituality and we came to a picture of a room with different walls.

The corner which holds each wall represents God one wall represents the dimension of ministry which focuses on those outside of the church and the other wall represents those within the church.

If a ministers focus is on those outside the church then surely they could be church army, evangelist, lay worker and if their focus is on those within the church then they could be sunday school workers, reader or LMN.

A vicar needs to be more focused on God and have an ability to encourage and equip congregations in their giftings and interests.

I realise this is a very simplistic outlook or way of putting things but this is the basic outline of our conversation and thought.

Spirituality

Space
I have begun to use the end of day feeding time as my space for prayer. This time is quiet and everyone remembers that we really want baby to sleep so they are all mindful of staying out of my way! So this is a safe time for me to pray.

Spirituality

Thinking about my spirituality I have been realising that although my prayer life may not be perfect. Though I may not be settled in my routine or style of spirituality my whole life is focused toward and within and around God.

Even the question of why God and what is God are continually encompassed within my being.


This is why to work in anything other than the church drives me into areas where I do not seem able to function to the best for those around me or for myself. My skills are not utilized and I continually engage with how I might be able to bring the church into a place where these people might utilize and engage with it.

Prayer
Spirituality

In a book I am reading 'Being a Priest Today' here is a quote:

'There is no way round the fact that if we want a life of prayer

then the only way to achieve it is by praying.'

Spirituality

I have been thinking more about how I can begin to pray and find my space with God and why I am finding this so difficult at the moment.

I am realising that I am a creative person and when I pray with others there are opportunities to be creative. We had an accompanied prayer week in which a variety of creative projects were available for us to use during the open times. At each period I discovered that my mind really soaked up the creative opportunity and I found myself reaching into a mental arena that I had not expected.

I wonder if perhaps I need to begin being creative in my prayer life somehow.

"Spirituality has to do with our experiencing of God and with the transformation of our consciousness and our lives as outcomes of that experience" - Richard O'Brien, in Catholicism, p. 1058

transforming

What are the ways in which I find my life continuing to be transformed because of the experience I have of God?

At the moment I find this difficult. But as the months go on I hope that I will find windows where the light is beginning to shine through because at the moment the more I rub the dirty glass I find I am just smudging the dirt in more. Maybe I need a new cloth but I am just not sure what will work.

This has helped me to realise that I am not patient. If one thing does not work I do not work at it or methodically try things out. I just give up and wait for something to come along that does work and for that dirt to rub out on its own.

I need discipline.
I need discipline.

Spirituality

Being spiritual is using a dictionary.com definition: closely akin in interests, attitude, outlook, etc.

When I make a new friend and we begin to get close and discover our interests are similar there are really special moments which I really enjoy.

The honeymoon period of being a Christian! This is often a period that people speak of as one which we look back on with abandonment and sheer joy in the 'spiritual' sense. I still experience moments of this joy as I grow in my faith. Because each time I realise that I have the same interests as an amazing and kindly God... It is sheer joy.

Spirituality
Prayer is an area of spirituality that I feel drawn to very deeply.

When i was at university (in 1994) there was a call for people who had felt called, during a conference, to receive the gift of intercession to stand. I did feel called but my neighbour stood and he was one of those guys, you just knew would stand and so being me I did not stand. The leaders then asked for others sitting nearby one of those called to stand and pray for them. So I felt I should stand and ask God to bless him either way. Well I remember that as I was praying I felt a blessing a definite sensation and as I prayed I wondered if this was for me or whether it was for this guy. So I prayed if it was for me then the desire and leading to intercede would continue over the years.

Since this time I cannot say that I have entered into the ministry of intercessor but the reminder is always there and I have at times interceded in very powerful ways. I think actually there is confession that I have to own if I am to consider my way faithfully.

It is that while in groups I feel very comfortable praying there are times that I feel that to enter into prayer individually can be a very dangerous thing to do.

It seems to me that to pray is believe and to believe is to place oneself in a dilemma.


Either one ignores the whole spiritual world and thus will never get the whole picture or one has to face the issues head on and that perhaps that means stepping into something that is beyond our control and is worrying for each individual in different ways.

I always feel that if I pray I am placing my family in danger. This has always been my fear since I gave birth to my oldest who is now 11.
This post has gone on a while so I end with an encouraging note to myself:

Psalm 23

1 THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack.

2 He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters.(A)

3 He refreshes and restores my life (my self); He leads me in the paths of righteousness [uprightness and right standing with Him--not for my earning it, but] for His name's sake.

4 Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with [a] oil; my [brimming] cup runs over.

6 Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and through the length of my days the house of the Lord [and His presence] shall be my dwelling place.

Spirituality

Called to reflect - seek - strive - show/shine

Now I know these words can also come under the heading of spirituality?
Surely in many ways there is an outward dimension to Spirituality aswell as the inward. What I mean is when we reflect with others we often discover more or different things than when we are alone. When we seek we inspire others to seek also. If we strive we discover that others are striving also and we discover we are on a journey with others. When we do all this we want to show and naturally shine (if humility is part of the equation!)

I was speaking with the DDO and when he asked me about my spirituality I immediately thought of Celtic Spirituality. I have really enjoyed many of the prayers that have been used during communions and quiet days.

I think it is the simplicity of the prayers and songs and also the trinitarian feel for the songs and prayers.

Spirituality
Life of solitude

1. What helps you keep to keep focused and draw near to God and his ways.
2. What feeds your soul and lifts your spirit
3. What enables you to keep in tune with the Holy Spirit.


Right after a few days of not being able to read the Bible I have found time to think during this period and remember that I used to find that I would feel an incling to go and read the Bible or read a particular book and when i did follow that urge it was as if forces moved to confirm my action and I would feel blessed and encouraged by what I read.

I remember that often I would find that my reading would in someway be useful in a meeting I would chance upon or I would find that a question would be sparked that I would continue to learn about or think about and then discuss with others.

So I think an answer to what for all three has to be : following an instinct to read, pray or worship in song.

I do not find that I am 'fed' at church services necessarily, I do find that I enjoy homegroups or personal meetings with people. I do find that my home life is directed toward enabling the family to have space each evening for prayer and worship and I also find that my life seems directed toward God always even if it is not what might be called 'spiritual' in the way we think of monks or nuns (ahh even the thought of such a blessed space in life is calming!)

Spirituality

What is offensive to God in our lifestyle?

What keeps us on track?

seriously it seems to me that we can easily say 'knowing I am forgiven and knowing I am loved' but does guilt come in there at all? I think for me yes it does. I remember thinking that now my Grandad is in heaven he can see all I do and must be sooo disapointed.

I am sure that with spirituality comes this discussion that it is also part of what keeps us on track.
Ephesians 4:30-32

30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you

Spirituality

'TUNING IN'

I don't know who this man is but thank you for looking like an alien with antenae!

I recognised that I often place people, situations, events and journeys into God's hand. However I have found that I do this as if I am responding to a prompting rather than a habit. I do not leave the house for each journey and pray or think of a family member and pray, rathar I seem to recognise a deep inner yearning and respond by tuning in and then speaking aloud my prayer.


I am learning alot about my 'tuning in' as I am trying to consider these three aspects I mentioned. It is odd that I do not often get any spontanious outburst of joy or praise when I enjoy nature.. I know I am a very practical person but as I recognise how I do seem to 'tune in' to a deeper spiritual yearning I would have thought if I were a 'spiritual' person i would be blessed by nature in the way I know many people are. Maybe one day.