I have been thinking that i should really reflect on this last few months. it has been incredible to have so much support and to be able to sit here, go the BAP, reflects the support given by friends and family. I am so indebted and humbled.

Maybe we have entered into a new stage of Ashers illness, though I really hope not.
Asher fell during the night banging his jaw as he went down. He is so determined that my speed to get out of the bed and help him as we usually do failed as he lost control of his legs and fell.

I was told he would get to this stage but I had thought it would be slower than this. But his pain level is so high that I think his body is using all energy to deal with that.

His syringe drive has gone up to 40 now of morphine and he is having oral when he needs it. we have been asked to keep it regular to get things under control and then we can reduce once we have the pain level sorted.

My worry is that it has taken so long to get to this stage of controlling the pain it is too late for him. His body has already given up. I take heart though as I know he is a very strong and determined person so if we can cover the pain he is likely to pull through.

I have made a few decisions though. One being that I think we will stay in this rental house for another year so that we can sort things out slowly and pray about what God wants us to do. I think the kids will go to a boarding school in bath which means i will go over and spend time with them and might get a caravan so that we can spend time each weekend visiting different places if they would like to.

Today i was reading from ezekiel. it was mid may and the word of the Lord came to me... so lovely even the picture of mid may! then the picture develops of a description of egypt as a tall tree with roots deep into the moist earth. thick branches providing forest shade. I had been praying just before reading and my plea to God was that now I would be able to grow as myself and be fed for me. That now I know the BAP is over and I am not preparing for that I would be able to grow and become strong in His Word and wisdom and strength. So this picture is very apt and I am going to hold onto it. Thanks Be To God.

Back from the BAP and all but ashers dad have gone home.

Asher is still really unwell. He has another infection in the jaw so the pain increases as the tumers are put under pressure from the infection. he is also suffering from inflamation of the muscles around the ribs which is causing him real flinching pain. I hope today to begin getting him into a bit more of a routine and doing things that are fun.

The BAP went terribly. The one interview I had to pass felt that we were at a roundabout and as the instructer asked me to go right though I knew we had to turn left to go round the roundabout... but following the instructers directions I duley turned for him to say now this is not right and you have failed.

Never mind I am now praying about how to get through this next two years and then reapply, perhaps next year if I am able.